These past few days have been really weird. Sleepless nights, literally sickening body, jumbled thoughts in mind, anxiety, fast-looping hard heartbeats, no sadness, no boredom. I just feel somehow, awkwardly, peaceful. With numbness as the icing.

How lovely......

On Saturday nite, I’m gonna set my mobile to silent mode, and put it inside the drawer. I’ll close the door and place the "do not disturb" sign. Then I’ll play the quiet music and get dazed. I will fall asleep after that.

We sat side by side on the porch, accompanied with hot tea and martabak. She looked intently at me and vomited all things that bothering her mind. "Go ahead!!! Vomit it all. So you can let it loose. All I could do is listening". I got glimpse she really want to end the pain.

She said that it’s thorny to make decision. But decision has to be made, because it’s also distress me to live in soreness. She cried her entire heart out and it was like a virus that infected me. That’s fine. If you couldn’t take the pain, I’ll take it.

The whole enigma finally revealed. It’s obvious now. We don’t have anything disturbing our mind again. She’ll fly away and spread her wings to horizon.

And I’m lucid with the fact; you’re not there for me anymore. It’s rigid for me because I’m deeply in love with you with all my mind, body and soul. Well…life must go on and I don’t have to live under dark cloud all of my life.

She’s only a friend now who was once lover. But still she means a lot for me. She taught me love and be loved. There is a place for you irreplaceably inside my heart.

I wish you GOOD LUCK, my life light. May all the illumination shine your life.

I love you.

As I look around me, I see each one of us carrying their own crosses to bear. I see struggle in every person, making life worthwhile and making it work at the same time.

Happiness and sadness abound us all the time but still we are here on our toes waking up each day with a brand new hope. We may draw our strength from different sources but one thing is common, we are strong because of it.

Life is one big fat bully, but come to think of it, we account almost every incident of our lives to fate, thus we cling to fatality. We may never know where we are really leading to but I guess what matters are that we have faith, and I guess we'll always have it.

And hang on; someday; somehow everything will turn out to be where it should be.

Smile everyone, life sucks but beautiful.

I’ve been too preoccupied with my personal and professional affairs that I have neglected to even glance at the computer monitor. Oh how I hate this week! Too toxic. Too many stuff going on... and I’m tired of it all!

I end up thinking of quitting... EVERYTHING.

But I am so not going to. I mean I have lots of plans for my life. I want a decent job with a decent paycheck. And more! I mean how can I get all of these... and more... if I quit?

I have decided to pursue that goal; I guess it's now or never. Definitely this will boost my performance in my career- not immediately of course.

I feel like I’ve been blown to bits, and I don't know where all they go.

Pressures are underway... just this week I have my hearing court in front of BOD. Arrrrggggh! God, did You forsake me? I hate it. I feel giddy with it. I haven't done this before.

My colleague's getting on my nerves. His tempers on the shallow side that if I just curse him even under my breath... He ends up almost hitting me! Hell, my boss didn't conceive me just to be hit by my colleague! How I think of ways to torture that irreparable soul.

And can I just tell you about the scare I had today? My friend was food poisoned. What the hell!? I was racking my head off because he vomited a couple of times. And he was like half a world away!!! And I hate how that feels.

I have this sudden inkling that I might be insane. But then I remember and say: "oh, yeah, I am."

I got depressed all of a sudden. I just read over someone's blog and it hit me - moved on is so right.

I don't have any business with the person anymore... we parted ways before I can even say "nice to see you again". It just wasn't right... And I hate to have it slapped into my face.

So what else is new?

Oh, yeah, I had my hearing court this afternoon... and it sucks! My brain's shut off... I hate how I feel so stupid. I didn’t even say my counter arguments at all. It’ll continue again tomorrow. Anyway... I’ve been so stressed, moody and nostalgic these past weeks. I feel incompetent. And I’ll be deferring my application to an org... I just can't handle it right now. And the stuff we have been talking about... well, we just think that way. I just can't spit it out.

I have nothing to say at all. Am I that obvious!?

HOMELAND

Well... I'm trapped here... In the land called Earth. I need to go home. To my unlimited horizon where Twilight is surround me with its Red Golden Sky. I need to find my way home, because I've lost my wings to fly.

Here I am. Wondering and trying to catch signals from up above and create my own imagination about my homeland.

Welcome to my homeland......

Aku terjebak di pinggir trotoar berdebu... Langkah kaki berlalu lalang di depan mataku. Seperti hendak membunuhku dengan pijakannya. apa mereka buta? Sorot lampu menyilaukan dari mobil yang berdereet rapat. Mataku enggan berkedip. Waspada, takut salah satu kaki dari raksasa manusia akan menginjak, ditendang lalu terlindas mobil. Tamatlah riwayatku...!!

Tatapan mereka semua sama... JIJIK!!! Melihat makhluk buruk seperti aku. Apakah aku begitu buruk???

Aku tetap terpekur waspada di pinggir trotoar berdebu. Sinar lampu mobil tetap menyorot bergantian... Tanpa henti!!!

Entah apa ada yang menyadari keberadaanku atau tidak. Aku tidak terlalu penting. Aku takut. Jiwaku terancam. Setiap saat aku bisa mati dan tak ada yang peduli. Bahkan ketika tubuh matiku rata dengan aspal karena tergilas, manusia tetap memandangku... JIJIK!!!

Aku si kodok yang menyedihkan. Terjebak diantara euphoria para manusia yang mengagungkan hari ini...

Kadang aku selalu berharap, Akulah pangeran tampan yang dikutuk. Aahhh.... entah berapa banyak kodok yang berharap demikian. Dan entah perempuan mana yang sudi menciumku agar kutukan ini berakhir.

Danau yang tenang dengan bunga teratai yang sedang mekar, di bawah kaki gunung, di sanalah harusnya aku berada...Dan semua itu bukan lagi sebuah kutukan.

And this again. Came without invitation and ruined my mood. I just don't wanna hear anything. I'm in unstable Emotional and Physical disorder. Leave me... leave me alone... I need no one and I don't need anything.

[I only need to get my soul back. I only need me. I only need to be cured...]


[I have this labyrinth inside my head]


Aaaaarrgghh!!! I hate everything right now [hell yeah, I hate all the beauty and perfectness] because that's what we all want to see, to feel, to love and to have as property...

They will answer me... "it's human..." "Human?" C'mon...What are you? What am I? is it important? [What I am is What I am. Are you what you are or what?]

I just wanna kick out this reality out of my destiny...[love will embrace me with pain, sorrow will kiss me to death and regrets will eat me into the bone...]

And it left only me...

[I only need to get my soul back. I only need me. I only need to be cured...]

*written in sober condition.

Akhir-akhir ini, aku:

Makin tidak jelas

Makin tidak tahu maunya apa

Makin males kemana-mana

Makin males ngapa-ngapain

Makin makin galau kalo ujan

Makin tidak fokus

Makin labil

Makin autis

Makin anti sosial

Makin banyak garis mati

dan makin kangen akan kehadiran dirinya

***

FUUCCCKKK!!!! It's hurt. I woke up late this morning, my face was numb and JezuzChrist my head, ouch...it felt like hit by Mike Tyson... Too much alcohol wont do you any good, ladies and gentlemen.

Can you just get me out of your mind please...? It's over okay. Thank's.

Pergilah sedih, pergilah resah
Jauhkanlah aku dari segala prasangka
Pergilah gundah, jauhkan resah
Lihat segalanya lebih dekat
Agar aku bisa menilai lebih bijaksana

Nothing is what it seems. When I say I don't know what I'm doing today and yesterday, I really am. Because it is too difficult to find meaning of life [and I only can enjoy life while I still can] before someone come and cut every bond with reasons they've got which lead to possessiveness that will show insecure feeling to them selves.

Everything seems normal. She is still the same person I knew 2 years ago. But I don't realize she's already change into different person. She tries to avoid the past and yeah I don't realize that.

I used to ask my self: is it really true friendship we've been through together? Is it friendship with terms and conditions? Friendship that we have to go through because one day you will feel the chemistry and when that momentum leaves, that feeling is gonna die...

I believe that destiny is far of our control...

And I also used to ask this: what did I do wrong? Ever since I receive your text, something was bothering my mind. No heart feeling. Disappointment only. [No defense]. A person who commit will love you, share time with you, the one who used to say will be there for you, suddenly left you with millions question marks

Well it ain't the first time someone left me. I understand in life someone come and go. This way or another. But I never think it's gonna end up like this. I mean, did I do something wrong?

I try very hard to keep my self not to get even. Because I'm gonna keep it for my self

Everything is so blurry
Everyone is so fake
Everybody is empty
And everything is so messed up

So please...Leave me alone...

I should have new state of mind to grow some long line on my lips to face life...

***

Shit!!! My transfer to new office was postponed. At least until next month. Fuuuccckkk!!! How come? Why did they do that?

***

JezuzChrist!!! I really hate Monday. I'm so pissed today. 1st day of the week never brought me happiness. Fuck!!! It ruined my schedule, my mood and really wasting my time. The worst part was heavy rain and I forgot to bring my rain coat.

[the point is I really hate Monday]

All I wanna do now is go home, have my tequila, post some bullshit on my blog and go to bed. I'm to tired both EMOTIONALLY and PHYSICALLY.

WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD my self. Is this so real...?

My body is like broken glass. So fragile and will break into million pieces because things happen today and because I saw Java Jazz for two days.

Patience...patience...patience...

Aarrggghhh!!!

***

Speaking of Java Jazz, it was an International Jazz festival. It held in Jakarta from march 2 until march 4, 2007. There were 1300 performers on 15 stages for 3 days. I just wanna see Jamie Cullum and Level 42. But there was a local performers called DESCHANY. They are Ambonese. Maaannn...they are cool...

I watched it with Yana, my ex-girlfriend and some friends. She came with her future husband [crap...*grin*]. After having such a horrible week, seeing her made me happy. She was still the same person I dated 6 years ago.

But I had to sacrifice my monthly budget. Watching 2 concerts within a week cost me a lot. Ahh...I don't care. As long as I can find antidote to cure my broken heart and my longing, it's worthed.

All I have to do now is get extra hours, get weekend jobs. So I can cover my expenditure this month.

Ciao, I wanna go home...

Sebenarnya aku bisa saja menjadi seperti apa yang kau minta. Dgn sedikit kerja keras, aku bisa melakukan itu.

Tapi, bukankah lebih baik kalau kau menerimaku apa adanya?

*****

"Kata orang rasa rindu itu indah..tapi bagiku..itu menyiksa.."

*****

.."Terkadang ada saat-saat dalam hidup ketika engkau merindukan seseorang begitu dalam, hingga engkau ingin mengambilnya dari angan-anganmu, lalu memeluknya erat-erat...”

*****

Cinta dan sekotak coklat...rasanya sama2 enak...karena ketika aku makan coklat rasanya damaiii banget, full satisfaction....dan sekotak gak pernah cukup untukku...

Cinta dan nafsu...hmmm bedanya tipiiiis bgt...sama-sama bikin pusing tapi sulit dielakan hahahahahaa...Cinta dan Benci juga hampir sama rasanya...sama-sama bikin kepalaku pusing! Cinta dan sepi tetep aja mirip2x...karena cuma hati yg ngerasain...Blah!

Cinta dan sakit perut...juga ngga beda jauh rasanya..kadang cinta mengakibatkan MULES akut berkepanjangan...dan baru ketauan ujung2nya ketika kamu membutuhkan Broklat atau ngga....karena ternyata kamu sembelit...(???)

Mungkin ini Cinta ketika sekotak coklat ngga pernah cukup buat kamu...ketika ada Nafsu yang bikin kamu pusing tapi berharap dan rasa benci karena sepi...yang mengakibatkan kamu mules berkepanjangan ....

N Ya ini Cinta namanya ketika kamu sadar "membutuhkannya" lebih dari BROKLAT yang bisa nyembuhin sembelit kamu itu! Karena ternyata kamu mengidap jatuh cinta krosniss....

Few days ago during my boring routines, one text came:” you take care your self for me okay!!! I miss you”. It made me blush. Because you are the first one who taught me how to love.

And I do understand time is mysterious labor that works in silence and slowly, but could give a lot of evidence among all things. Time has its own soul. Right timing and Perfect timing without any doubt. Just like us now who doesn’t even want to know each other again. Because the time said:
"The time is just not there anymore. It's away off."

***

It was just ordinary morning. I was riding my bike. And I talked to my self “I’m gonna have another boring day. Home, office, and home again”. I looked at the street from behind my helmet and thought Jakarta is still the same. I might be looked the same. But deep down inside, I was hurt.

It took me awhile to think and realize why you have to change. I mean, there is nothing static and have the same intensity in this world. They are always dynamic. They have to change. But why do you have to erase the past? What were you thinking, avoiding and ignoring? Someone who mentions love won't be erased by time and other temporary artificial stuff?

Come to think of it, I should recall my memory back. Were u really ever there? Were you an opportunist? I don’t know. But there’s a possibility. And I still can't stop my self from thinking: or maybe, it was me who wasn't good enough?

I’m afraid of losing you
Rather than not having you
It’s a game of life
Riddle that make me drunk in the silence of dawn

***

You know what...
Actually I’m a lover
But, I’m afraid to love
So afraid;
Because someday I’ll be face to the world who will slap me with reality
That someday you’ll be leaving and take away love
Everything is gonna end up miserable and disappointing

***

You did it again

you did hurt my heart

I don't know how many times

you... I don't know what to say

You've made me so desperately in love

and now you let me down

You said you'd never lie again

You said this time would be so right

But then I found you were lying there by his side