Brain stalled and malfunctions.

It didn’t work in proper place.

2 of my friends, MSG and baby C got really pissed on me because of my attitude.

MSG oh MSG. [You know how much I miss you darling]. She knew that I had problems with my lover. But I didn’t know she had problems of her own. After moved to Aceh, she found out things didn’t work as planned. She felt lonely and the office was gonna closed. Still I threw all my problems to her.

Meanwhile, I planned to watch concert with baby C last night. And she didn’t like my attitude at all. She shouted at me loudly and clearly she hated me last night. She pointed my head and said “your brain is here not on your butt. So use it. We’re gonna have fun tonight”.

My sister used to say when emotion beats logic, you are gonna get no benefits at all. And she is right.

I know I’ve been a jerk for the last two days. In this occasion, to MSG and baby C, “from the bottom of my heart, I do say I’m sorry. Sincerely.”

I’ve been dating principessa, my lover for 2 years. And darling, it’s long enough to figure out who you really are. You give me everything I need. Love, respect, honor, tender heart, acceptance and freedom. That’s all I ever need from a lover. And I do get it from you. I don’t need wealth and material stuffs, because they will change me from the person I am right now.

But, it’s over now. We broke up last night after we yield to each other on the phone. You have chosen your own way. That’s okay. I’m cool with that. I don’t wanna be the barrier beyond your happiness. There is nothing I have to fight for. If I have to stay in one way relationship where there is no more chemistry between us, it’s better for me withdrawal my self from it.

What I’m not cool with is your questions. “Are you gonna be okay? Are you pissed? Are you disappointed? “. C’mon girl…what kind of bullshit is that? What do you think I’m? Teen? I’m old enough to take care of my self unless you forgot. I will be fine. Since being abandoned, underestimated, dumped and left behind became my nick name, I’m used to it. I can get over it.

[Ah... isn’t it lovely, expressing whatever you have in your brain when you’re so pissed.]

I do believe in the cite if I love something, I will set it free. If it returns to me, it’s mine. And if it doesn’t, it has never meant to be. Maybe you were never meant to be

If you’re gonna find happiness with other, please spare me. Substitute me. I can make sure I won’t be in your way for finding happiness. But don’t ask that cliché questions coz it gives me headache. Enough is enough.

Good bye my lover, you have been the one for me. It’s been a pleasure knowing you and having you as part of my life. May you find your happiness, may you find what you are looking for, may you remember me well and may you kept our memories well.

Ciao...

*****

Pernahkah kau menghitung waktu yang berlalu sejak terakhir kali kita bertemu?
Mungkin surat ini tak akan pernah terkirim. Karena sebenarnya aku hanya ingin berbicara pada diriku sendiri, pada angin malam yang menerpa, pada bunga mawar merah kering yang entah kenapa masih saja menempel di dinding... tentang kamu.

Kamu yang pertama mengajarkan bagaimana memilah jenis rasa. Kamu yang datang dengan mengetuk pintu, lalu pergi meninggalkan haru yang tak juga bisa terkikis waktu. Dasar asu.

Setengah bagian diriku ingin agar membencimu, memakimu hingga muak, bahkan muntah pun rasanya tak cukup untuk menghilangkan penat. Tapi setengah bagian diriku yang lain ingin agar kau datang, dengan sekeranjang bahagia. Menyesali kebodohan mu dan memohon agar menerima kekhilafan mu.

Hatiku mampat disesaki cinta yang terlanjur penuh
Menjadi detak tubuh
Menyatu dengan ruh

Andai hati tidak ikut berevolusi. Andai satu mesin waktu mampu untuk berhenti, stagnan dan berakhir dengan keabadian... aku rela menukar satu detik untuk bersamamu. Tanpa detik yang lain menunggu untuk dilirik setelahnya.

Jadi maafkan aku, bila tiap saat, kupuja engkau penuh kesumat
Seluruh tubuhku terlanjur menyetarakanmu dengan mentari yang harus ada
Atau.... aku tak kan pernah bahagia

the marriage

Kalau dua-duanya doyan musik, berarti ada gejala bisa langgeng. Kalau sama-sama suka sop buntut berarti masa depan cerah. That simple? I don't think so. Berbeda dengan sepasang sandal yang hanya punya aspek kiri dan kanan, menikah adalah persatuan dua manusia, pria dan wanita. Dari anatomi saja sudah tidak sebangun, apalagi urusan jiwa dan hatinya. Kecocokan, minat dan latar belakang keluarga bukan jaminan segalanya akan lancar. Lalu apa?

MENIKAH adalah proses pendewasaan. Dan untuk memasukinya diperlukan pelaku yang kuat dan berani. Berani menghadapi masalah yang akan terjadi dan punya kekuatan untuk menemukan jalan keluarnya.Kedengarannya sih indah, tapi kenyataannya? Harus ada 'komunikasi dua arah', 'ada kerelaan mendengar kritik', 'ada keikhlasan meminta maaf', 'ada ketulusan melupakan kesalahan, dan keberanian untuk mengemukakan pendapat'.

Sekali lagi MENIKAH bukanlah upacara yang diramaikan gending cinta, bukan rancangan gaun pengantin ala cinderella, apalagi rangkaian mobil undangan yang memacetkan jalan.

MENIKAH adalah berani memutuskan untuk berlabuh, ketika ribuan kapal pesiar yang gemerlap memanggil-manggil.

MENIKAH adalah proses penggabungan dua orang berkepala batu dalam satu ruangan dimana kemesraan, ciuman, dan pelukan yang berkepanjangan hanyalah bunga.Masalahnya bukanlah menikah dengan anak siapa, yang hartanya berapa, bukanlah rangkaian bunga mawar yang jumlahnya ratusan, bukanlah perencanaan berbulan-bulan yang akhirnya membuat keluarga saling tersinggung, apalagi kegemaran minum kopi yang sama.

MENIKAH adalah proses pengenalan diri sendiri maupun pasangan anda. Tanpa mengenali diri sendiri, bagaimana anda bisa memahami orang lain? Tanpa bisa memperhatikan diri sendiri, bagaimana anda bisa memperhatikan pasangan hidup?

MENIKAH sangat membutuhkan keberanian tingkat tinggi, toleransi sedalam samudra, serta jiwa besar untuk 'menerima' dan 'memaafkan'. Kesalahan terbesar kita dalam memilih pasangan adalah kita lebih mementingkan dengan siapa kita menikah bukan seperti apa orang yang akan kita nikahi. Kita lebih melihat dari fisik orang tersebut bukan kualitas orang tersebut.

dear people,

it's not a habit for me to say this, but what the heck.. HAPPY VALENTINE! hey, who says it can only last one day, when you can have a whole week even a whole month or a whole year to fill your life with lots of love.. so, may love blossoms every day.. and for all of you who are still single.. don't give up guys, keep on struggling hehehe..

cheers!

Waiting!!! It’s the most boring thing to do in this f#*king world. I used to be late and let people wait for me. Not only for 5 or 10 minutes. I can be late for 1 hour. Suddenly the world turns 180 degrees. We’ve been together for awhile, but you have to fly away from me for 5 months.

Maybe it’s a good thing for both of us. It’s a new life experience for you. And for me, it gives me new lesson about managing my longing.

It’s okay for 5 or 10 minutes or even for 1 hour. But 5 months? Come on… give me a break. I can’t help it. I MISS YOU. Yeah… it’s you. You and our night chat is the missing link. I miss it a lot. What should I do to cure my longing? Pictures and text messages are not enough to cure it… THEY ARE NOT ENOUGH…

Today is a big day for my cousin. She is getting married. I’m happy for you cous. Congrats!! But one thing keeps bugging my mind. Almost all the relatives ask me classic and stupid question: “when are you going to get married? Isn’t it the right time for you?” Crap… Well folks, how do you know it is the right time for me?

One of my friends asks me: almost all of your friends are married now. How do you feel? Off course I’m happy for them. But I won’t make a decision on getting married by that kind of situation; because I will make a very EMOTIONAL decision.

That is very stupid question to ask. If I can make 1001 wishes, maybe getting married will be No. 1002. Okay in my defends let me tell you why I haven’t think about getting married: 1. I haven’t found the right one. 2. I don’t wanna distracted by marriage problems. And 3. Living single is much easier than getting married. Can you guys realize that? I’m a type of person who wants to live in my own freedom without any distraction.

Stay single is not against the law or a sin.

*****

MSG

Speaking of living single, I’m happy because now I have one more cheerleader behind me. Her name is MSG. I’ve known her maybe six years ago when we saw some collaboration of Indonesian and European dance. And met again the next day while she lost her wallet. We never see each other again because she has to go back to Jeddah. [She used to lives there].

We met again about nine months ago, but had a chance to hang out together last November, when she asked me to accompany her to one of Jakarta’s night clubs and became her personal bodyguard.

MSG is also beautiful, independent and matured girl. She said that she is photogenic girl but not bodygenic. Ha…ha… but you were attracted to guys though including me. Sometimes we also try some dangerous things together. Hahahahaha…

She teaches me some stuff that I don’t know or want to explore and we can spend maybe day and night discussing all kind of things. I really enjoy being in her presence. It’s been a while since I have girl friend to chat without any obligation to take her home ASAP.

With her, I feel more comfortable on discussing about marriage because she used to lives in marriage-obsessed societies [or still?]. And it gives her pain in the you know… It was a very open and vulgar discussion among us. It kept my eyes wide open and convinced me with my decision to stay single.

But, she keeps reminding me if I hang around her too long because she might mess me up. “Don’t worry Beautiful…I love to hang around with you. I know we can’t cross the border. There is a bunch of people wont mind to kill us if we do that.” And I realize maybe our friendship will last forever rather than lovers. Even if I love you and wish you could be my lover.

*****

I used to have the coolest abs on earth. Six f#@kin packs. It took 800 sit ups/day and 6 months to build it.

But ever since I twisted my knees and stop working out, it has change. I gain about 10 kilos and now it becomes a very round abs.
Actually I don’t mind with my abs now. But MSG asks me a favor to build it again. She wants me to pose naked for her. Certainly I say yes. Posing naked will be a new extreme experience for me. I never have done that before.

There is one thing torturing me. I’ve to diet. No sugar, salt and oil. Shit…since eating becomes my middle name, it really gives me a headache. But to explore another extreme experience, I don’t mind doing it again.

ANGELS SMILE

Today the angels smile.
They sat with me awhile.
I shared my inner heart
And that was just the start.

I told them of my love
These angels from above..
I told them how I felt
As in their company I knelt.

The angels did delight
With a smile so warm and bright
When I told of feelings true
Which I held inside for you.

They said that God above
Can create a lot more love,
When the world is full of care
Like the feelings we do share.

So my heart is filled with pride
And a joy I cannot hide,
I could walk that extra mile...
Because I made the angels smile

Music background: U2.
I haven’t shave for a week
It’s cold here in my room. I’m tired but I couldn’t sleep.

These stories are going to be boring, but what the hell,

God the Almighty does not give me good looking and plenty of wealth. But thank to God for putting me in a place where beautiful girls are around me, even though they aren’t lovers. *grin*. But there is something bothering my mind: some guys always feel jealous whenever I’m around the girls. I dunno why.

Fresh from the oven, happened in New Years Eve. I kissed one of the girls. Unfortunately, I kissed her right in his face. Off course he was pissed. He tried to stay cool. But there were a big disappointment and anger. Yeah ladies and gentlemen, he was pissed off. He tried to settle it down and talked to her.

Later I discovered, he has a crush on her. His dream is having independent, open minded woman. He has it now. But he is not ready for this girl independence and liberty. Man, maybe you were never meant to be for her or for that type of girl.

Now, maybe this guy doesn’t feel comfortable with my existence, and I don’t care. Actually I don’t want to mess with people’s business. But if you have to put me in the middle of shit, I have to defend my self. ”Hey dude, I’m just her friend. Why do you have to worry bout me?” And little note for you. “it’s millennium. Gak usah banyak basa basi. STRAIGHT TO THE POINT.”

*****

ANGGI

He is handsome lil fella and has a cute smile, according to some of my friends. He is also unique because he is left-handed. But one thing I admire from him is he keeps pursuing his dream to become a movie director. Movie director? Isn’t it a common occupation? Yeah. But not in this case.

Being raise in Saudi society means you have to follow strict Islam rules (Anggi is mix between Saudi and Indonesia). And movie making is prohibited there. But he believes that someday he will be a good movie director.

I asked him once about the first movie that Saudi Arabia produced. He didn’t know that there was already a Saudi Arabian director who produced a movie. But he replied, “it’s okay not becoming the first Saudi movie director. But I will be the greatest.”

Woww… what an answer from a young man… he is very confident. With that confidence, I’m sure it’s just a matter of time. Go get your dream and good luck, Spielberg.

*****

ARIO

I’ve known this guy for ages. It was like love at the first sight. He instantly liked me because of that “fido dido” short I wear. He loved to hang around with me because of the way I think, talk and because of my social skill. On the other hand, I also loved to interact with him because of his knowledge, life experiences and the way he sees things. Always from the other side. He is way older than me. He supposes to be my uncle, not my friend. He would miss me every time I haven’t send text or call him for even just a week. And what make me love him is he never judges me.

[Hey… is there anybody out there who has willing not to judge me?]

He is my life teacher. He always gives me words and options if I’m in deep shit so I can make up my mind properly and wisely. But he never says it like from the elder to a youth. He is trying to be there for me for better or for worst. Every time I talk to him is worth than reading books. That’s why I always call him walking library. But he reminds me “maybe I know a lot, but there are a lot more I don’t know. I am still learning also”. Gosh, he is humble, for a man who knows much about everything. He isn’t embarrassed to learn including to me.

All I can say is thank you. I don’t have any words I can use to show my gratefulness for knowing you. You don’t know how much you influence my life.

Now he is busy with his project. I hope you can finish it right on time. Good luck my big fat Lao Tze.

*****

"the safest place in my life is behind my big blanket. no lights, no shadows just darkness upon me..I close my eyes, I sleep and then eventually I will smile..".