when : Sunday, April 8th 2007, 1852hrs

why : freak accident, sliced ring finger (right)

cause : unknown (YES, UNKNOWN)

result : blood loss, torn nerves and tissue

outcome : three stitches

future : how the fuck would I know

I was feeling all emotional today. Some shitty crap happened at work, causing my rising anger to be completely power-pressed against extra patience I grabbed from my hidden inventory. Ridiculous and highly unreasonable criticism and accusation that evil threw at my face. I felt like poofing the most powerful and evilest spell ever made to destroy his slithery tongue while he was talking all like shit, (at least I did it on my mind).

I was all tongue-tied, surrendering for pride, trying to forgive and forget, yet it didn't get any better till the last blabbering session. Another bearded freak was playing all muted and blind on purpose. I was trying so hard not to get carried away and explode a C4 upon his beard. I ignored yet the surrounding noticed. They could read my obvious mind, telling me not to think about that goatee so much, that I was doing all OK, and such thing that could burst my salty pride less tears at anytime for he was being totally disrespectful. Maybe he was just having a bad day, oh yes, let it be that way, or else I'd tie and force him to open his eyes and watch me just like when Alex de Large was forced to watch some violent movies by those mad scientists in Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange (not that I'm saying I'm violent).

Somehow, I kept being reminded that it is definitely fine to try to make other people like you, but then again, you can't make all of them do such, some people just have different mindsets and the hardest thing to swallow and digest is the fact that I have to agree on that.

Thank God I have my other half to listen and help me get through these sleazy glitches of the day. She soon replaced it all with such big relieving news that brought my sincere curvy smile back all the way. “I LOVE U”.

I'm now begging my eyes to do the usual rituals as the closing, resting in bare comfort, playing dead until tomorrow.

I'm in blue, caught by flu. I need hug by you.....Where are you dear?

These past few days have been really weird. Sleepless nights, literally sickening body, jumbled thoughts in mind, anxiety, fast-looping hard heartbeats, no sadness, no boredom. I just feel somehow, awkwardly, peaceful. With numbness as the icing.

How lovely......

On Saturday nite, I’m gonna set my mobile to silent mode, and put it inside the drawer. I’ll close the door and place the "do not disturb" sign. Then I’ll play the quiet music and get dazed. I will fall asleep after that.

We sat side by side on the porch, accompanied with hot tea and martabak. She looked intently at me and vomited all things that bothering her mind. "Go ahead!!! Vomit it all. So you can let it loose. All I could do is listening". I got glimpse she really want to end the pain.

She said that it’s thorny to make decision. But decision has to be made, because it’s also distress me to live in soreness. She cried her entire heart out and it was like a virus that infected me. That’s fine. If you couldn’t take the pain, I’ll take it.

The whole enigma finally revealed. It’s obvious now. We don’t have anything disturbing our mind again. She’ll fly away and spread her wings to horizon.

And I’m lucid with the fact; you’re not there for me anymore. It’s rigid for me because I’m deeply in love with you with all my mind, body and soul. Well…life must go on and I don’t have to live under dark cloud all of my life.

She’s only a friend now who was once lover. But still she means a lot for me. She taught me love and be loved. There is a place for you irreplaceably inside my heart.

I wish you GOOD LUCK, my life light. May all the illumination shine your life.

I love you.

As I look around me, I see each one of us carrying their own crosses to bear. I see struggle in every person, making life worthwhile and making it work at the same time.

Happiness and sadness abound us all the time but still we are here on our toes waking up each day with a brand new hope. We may draw our strength from different sources but one thing is common, we are strong because of it.

Life is one big fat bully, but come to think of it, we account almost every incident of our lives to fate, thus we cling to fatality. We may never know where we are really leading to but I guess what matters are that we have faith, and I guess we'll always have it.

And hang on; someday; somehow everything will turn out to be where it should be.

Smile everyone, life sucks but beautiful.

I’ve been too preoccupied with my personal and professional affairs that I have neglected to even glance at the computer monitor. Oh how I hate this week! Too toxic. Too many stuff going on... and I’m tired of it all!

I end up thinking of quitting... EVERYTHING.

But I am so not going to. I mean I have lots of plans for my life. I want a decent job with a decent paycheck. And more! I mean how can I get all of these... and more... if I quit?

I have decided to pursue that goal; I guess it's now or never. Definitely this will boost my performance in my career- not immediately of course.

I feel like I’ve been blown to bits, and I don't know where all they go.

Pressures are underway... just this week I have my hearing court in front of BOD. Arrrrggggh! God, did You forsake me? I hate it. I feel giddy with it. I haven't done this before.

My colleague's getting on my nerves. His tempers on the shallow side that if I just curse him even under my breath... He ends up almost hitting me! Hell, my boss didn't conceive me just to be hit by my colleague! How I think of ways to torture that irreparable soul.

And can I just tell you about the scare I had today? My friend was food poisoned. What the hell!? I was racking my head off because he vomited a couple of times. And he was like half a world away!!! And I hate how that feels.

I have this sudden inkling that I might be insane. But then I remember and say: "oh, yeah, I am."

I got depressed all of a sudden. I just read over someone's blog and it hit me - moved on is so right.

I don't have any business with the person anymore... we parted ways before I can even say "nice to see you again". It just wasn't right... And I hate to have it slapped into my face.

So what else is new?

Oh, yeah, I had my hearing court this afternoon... and it sucks! My brain's shut off... I hate how I feel so stupid. I didn’t even say my counter arguments at all. It’ll continue again tomorrow. Anyway... I’ve been so stressed, moody and nostalgic these past weeks. I feel incompetent. And I’ll be deferring my application to an org... I just can't handle it right now. And the stuff we have been talking about... well, we just think that way. I just can't spit it out.

I have nothing to say at all. Am I that obvious!?

HOMELAND

Well... I'm trapped here... In the land called Earth. I need to go home. To my unlimited horizon where Twilight is surround me with its Red Golden Sky. I need to find my way home, because I've lost my wings to fly.

Here I am. Wondering and trying to catch signals from up above and create my own imagination about my homeland.

Welcome to my homeland......

Aku terjebak di pinggir trotoar berdebu... Langkah kaki berlalu lalang di depan mataku. Seperti hendak membunuhku dengan pijakannya. apa mereka buta? Sorot lampu menyilaukan dari mobil yang berdereet rapat. Mataku enggan berkedip. Waspada, takut salah satu kaki dari raksasa manusia akan menginjak, ditendang lalu terlindas mobil. Tamatlah riwayatku...!!

Tatapan mereka semua sama... JIJIK!!! Melihat makhluk buruk seperti aku. Apakah aku begitu buruk???

Aku tetap terpekur waspada di pinggir trotoar berdebu. Sinar lampu mobil tetap menyorot bergantian... Tanpa henti!!!

Entah apa ada yang menyadari keberadaanku atau tidak. Aku tidak terlalu penting. Aku takut. Jiwaku terancam. Setiap saat aku bisa mati dan tak ada yang peduli. Bahkan ketika tubuh matiku rata dengan aspal karena tergilas, manusia tetap memandangku... JIJIK!!!

Aku si kodok yang menyedihkan. Terjebak diantara euphoria para manusia yang mengagungkan hari ini...

Kadang aku selalu berharap, Akulah pangeran tampan yang dikutuk. Aahhh.... entah berapa banyak kodok yang berharap demikian. Dan entah perempuan mana yang sudi menciumku agar kutukan ini berakhir.

Danau yang tenang dengan bunga teratai yang sedang mekar, di bawah kaki gunung, di sanalah harusnya aku berada...Dan semua itu bukan lagi sebuah kutukan.

And this again. Came without invitation and ruined my mood. I just don't wanna hear anything. I'm in unstable Emotional and Physical disorder. Leave me... leave me alone... I need no one and I don't need anything.

[I only need to get my soul back. I only need me. I only need to be cured...]


[I have this labyrinth inside my head]


Aaaaarrgghh!!! I hate everything right now [hell yeah, I hate all the beauty and perfectness] because that's what we all want to see, to feel, to love and to have as property...

They will answer me... "it's human..." "Human?" C'mon...What are you? What am I? is it important? [What I am is What I am. Are you what you are or what?]

I just wanna kick out this reality out of my destiny...[love will embrace me with pain, sorrow will kiss me to death and regrets will eat me into the bone...]

And it left only me...

[I only need to get my soul back. I only need me. I only need to be cured...]

*written in sober condition.

Akhir-akhir ini, aku:

Makin tidak jelas

Makin tidak tahu maunya apa

Makin males kemana-mana

Makin males ngapa-ngapain

Makin makin galau kalo ujan

Makin tidak fokus

Makin labil

Makin autis

Makin anti sosial

Makin banyak garis mati

dan makin kangen akan kehadiran dirinya

***

FUUCCCKKK!!!! It's hurt. I woke up late this morning, my face was numb and JezuzChrist my head, ouch...it felt like hit by Mike Tyson... Too much alcohol wont do you any good, ladies and gentlemen.