Death. Has become a terrifying word to everybody. Though I was a junkie, I don’t know why I experimentally consumed drugs; on the other hand I was so afraid of death. Not to forget I used to love motorcycle racing. Speeding over 120 km/h, but afraid of death?

But, it has changed now. Life, death, is in God’s hand. As a human, we’ll never know what His plans are. It doesn’t mean that I’m not afraid anymore. But when it’s my time to leave, I’m ready when “The Big Boss” calls me.

Before I die, I wanna do some stuff. And here are the lists:

• See smile from my mom and dad everyday.
• See my sister delivering her babies.
• Take my “Bude” to holly land.
• Meet DBM and TJG’s twinnies.
• Ride ATV.
• Buy ontel bike.
• Get my Gibson back.
• Bungee jumping.
• Rafting and mountaineering.
• Stop smoking.
• Street racing again.
• Know all my exes are OK.
• Go to Tintin museum in Brussels.
• Go to South Africa and Brazil with Big Fella.
• Propose KI to be my wedded wife? Hihihihi… (YOU WISH MATE???!!!)

WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?

Death. Has become a terrifying word to everybody. Though I was a junkie, I don’t know why I experimentally consumed drugs; on the other hand I was so afraid of death. Not to forget I used to love motorcycle racing. Speeding over 120 km/h, but afraid of death?

But, it has changed now. Life, death, is in God’s hand. As a human, we’ll never know what His plans are. It doesn’t mean that I’m not afraid anymore. But when it’s my time to leave, I’m ready when “The Big Boss” calls me.

Before I die, I wanna do some stuff. And here are the lists:

· See smile from my mom and dad everyday.

· See my sister delivering her babies.

· Take my “Bude” to holly land.

· Meet DBM and TJG’s twinnies.

· Ride ATV.

· Buy ontel bike.

· Get my Gibson back.

· Bungee jumping.

· Rafting and mountaineering.

· Stop smoking.

· Street racing again.

· Know all my exes are OK.

· Go to Tintin museum in Brussels.

· Go to South Africa and Brazil with Big Fella.

· Propose KI to be my wedded wife? Hihihihi… (YOU WISH MATE???!!!)

WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?

The sea’s only gifts are harsh blows, and occasionally the chance to feel strong. Now I don’t know much about the sea, but I do know that’s the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong, but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once, to find yourself at least once in the most ancient human conditions, facing blind, deaf stone alone, with nothing to help you but your hands and your own head.

My ride into home is a long one, and one would think it would get monotonous. I’ve developed a keen sense of sight and sound before, during and after this long trip.

It seems like forever since I updated my blog. Amazing how time can fly by. Really, truly amazing that life can just simply whizz past and when you look back, you realize that you have just somehow forgotten some of the important things that make you smile and that make others smile. Or cry, depends on how you view this blog. I must say though it is nice to be back. And I'll make sure that my stories continue because one thing for sure, the embarrasing moments don't look likely to end!

Today is one of the perfect days to over damp loneliness. Hilarious as never

I just won a ticket to a state of boredom, with a lot of infatuations buckle up, sad fact, true that. Killing sensations that last like newly poured sun rising in that shiny thin transparent jar-like glass. Nothing extraordinary, well this is more less an extraordinary obscurant, much preferable, rather than sobbing over ridiculous nightmare (God, next time send me a better script okay) which involved a mad cutesy bride of plucky and a Godfather ended up dead and wasted all over—a flock buster scenario, puff lease. Could something else worse be much more igniting?

I’m fed up. I’m tired of getting hurt. And I’m tired of getting tired. I'll keep our up and down memories in my heart. But it’s time for me to move on.

Aku terbiasa berbincang berlama – lama denganmu. Di bawah sinar mentari, rembulan, turunnya hujan dan sinar lampu. Tertawa, terpesona. Lalu kita berciuman. Di atas tempat tidur di dalam sebuah kamar, terkadang kita saling menatap, sesudah makan pagi, selepas makan siang dan sebelum tidur.

Pada seorang teman aku bercerita tentangmu. Aku hanya ingin punya seseorang yang kucintai, yang aku bisa bersamanya, bergandengan tangan, berpelukan, berciuman siang dan malam dan bercerita.

Di tempat tidur itu, tempat kita berciuman, kamu menatapku…ooohh…aku suka sekali. Kita berbincang tentang apa saja dan tiba – tiba kita berciuman.

Tetapi…

Kini kita tidak bisa bergandengan tangan lagi, berciuman siang dan malam dan bercerita. Kini kita hanya bisa berbisik – bisik, berbicara dalam hati, bersedih tanpa menangis dan bergembira tanpa tertawa.

Di ujung Desember engkau tersenyum, seperti tangis yang tertahan, seperti sedih yang membuncah. Dan akupun tersungkur dalam ingatan atas semua yang pernah hadir dalam hidupku. Atas kamu yang mencintaiku, atas luka yang kita bagi bersama, atas tawa di siang hari, atas tangis di tengah malam, atas aku yang bercerita tentang semua yang menghubungkan kita. Dari semuanya, ternyata engkau masih bertanya dimanakah cinta. Lihatlah aku, resapi aku. Dan semuanya terdengar seperti kata “sedih”, “bingung” terkadang disisipi kata “bahagia”, terkadang dihampiri kata “penyesalan”.

Semua lalu mulai tertawa. Supir – supir angkutan, pengemis di jalanan, bapak – bapak pulang kerja, ibu – ibu arisan, lampu merah, jalan raya, bunga- bunga, seekor anjing, dua ekor ikan, tiga tangkai mawar, semua tertawa. Bapak – bapak dan ikan pada suara satu, supir angkutan dan tiga tangkai mawar pada suara dua, pengemis dan bunga – bunga pada suara tiga. Yang lainnya tertawa dengan masing – masing caranya. Seperti merdu tapi kacau, seperti indah tapi menusuk hati.

Aku hanya diam tidak bicara. Aku setuju tapi ingin pergi saja. Aku takut, aku gelisah, aku sedih, aku marah. Tapi aku masih cinta kamu.

Being in love doesn’t guarantee that one would be an expert when it comes to relationship. I guess the only thing we can master is the art of knowing when to hang on and when to let go.

As in this case of me. Time indeed was my best friend. Despite some little argument, the fights are not lingering. We’re civil, sometimes even friendly. There will be times when the laughter reminds me of the way we were once in relationship- CAREFREE AND HAPPY. But that’s not to say I’ve forgotten all the bad things that happened. Once you find it in your heart to forgive, the bad things just become a faded memory.

A friend was right in saying “as we grow up, we learn the one that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it’s hard. But you’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You’ll fight with your best friend. You’ll blame a new love for things an old one did. Time is passing too fast and eventually you’ll lose someone you love. So take many pictures, laugh much and love like you’ve never been hurt because every 60 seconds you spend upset a minute of happiness you’ll never get back. There are times when even the best of us having trouble with commitment and we maybe surprise at the commitment we are willing to let slip out of grasp. We may surprise ourselves by the commitment we’re willing to make. True commitments take efforts and sacrifice which is why we have to choose our commitment very careful.”

Failed relationship isn’t guarantee you’ll never be affected again. Having your heart broken by someone you love is never an easy thing. But once you learn to cope with the hurt, the pain never stays long.

My heart still bleeds but the sadness doesn’t flow as much like before. I’m sure I’m able to survive.

Things are not really okay yet, but I’m healing. So how do I keep the music playing? I decide to fall in love with life. I should fall in love with life. I’m in love with the life I have and everything that is part of my existence.

I don’t regret for what went wrong with my relationship as long as my love life is concerned. It was thrilling while it lasted. I read somewhere, “love is emotion and romance is an evocative expression. I need and want love, but our constant craving is for romance. If love is a dance, romance is tango.”

The beautiful music has ended. It’s just an instrumental melody. So if friends ask me about whatever happened, I’ll tell them “we’re friends now. Best friend.”

So, while the songs still bring that certain glow, I should carry on. I guess it’s just one of those phases in life. It can be sweet at one point and it can be bitter at another point. Bitter doesn’t always taste bad. There’s a pleasant sort of bitterness like bittersweet chocolate. Like me, there are days when I crave for Colletto and Haagen Dasz ice creams. But too many sweets give me toothache. Hahahaha…

Folks, this is my dark chocolate phase, and I’ll enjoy every single second of it.

I REMEMBER YOU. ALWAYS

This post isn't written by me. I just quote it.

"Kamu kudoakan, kamu kuikhlaskan. I bid thee farewell, my friend. May you find what you seek, may you remember me well, and may you treasure the memories we’ve had."

No way November will see our goodbye

When it comes to December it's obvious why

No one wants to be alone

And come January I'm frozen inside

Making new resolutions a hundred times

I try to stop believing in love. Then, I somewhat try to believe in the same thing called love. So many times till I ended up in bruises and still calling myself as happy. Love supposed to be a happy thing. Yet, it never was.

I don't know if I still want to believe in love, ever again. Love comes and goes. When one stays, it always sing the wrong tunes. Awkward. And I've had enough singing awkward rhymes in my life.

I'm a bad songwriter, yet, I've always tried to make one beautiful perfect song, full length. But my songs are always left undone.

No one would fit into me. And guess what, one could never change. ME.

Let all this feeling evaporates
For words are somewhat unforgiving
I might lose my heartbeat

I'm tired of trying to prove that I have love
Let it shine without me
From this moment on

Convince me if I'm worth of it. If you can't, I'm sorry, LOVE, I'm letting you go

Waktu itu. Ketika waktu itu ada. Aku tidak tahu kalau kamu ada. Entah kenapa secara perlahan2, aku baru menyadari bahwa kamu itu ada di sudut ruang itu. Tapi entah kenapa pula aku tidak terganggu dengan keberadaanmu.

Ketika kemudian mulai kurasakan duka karena kamu tidak ada. Mungkin aku mulai panik dan tidak bersedia untuk merasakan itu. Namun satu yang pasti, terlalu banyak hal yang menyangkut dirimu...

Aku terluka ketika kamu terluka. Aku pun berduka ketika wajahmu tak bercahaya.
Dan entah sampai kapan pila hal itu akan tetap ada, walaupun rasanya tidak harus begitu.

P.S:
Telah kubuka pintu hatiku sebesar2nya. Tapi ternyata itu tidak cukup.