MyLoneliness

2008-06-30T20:15:00.000+07:00

Death. Has become a terrifying word to everybody. Though I was a junkie, I don’t know why I experimentally consumed drugs; on the other hand I was so afraid of death. Not to forget I used to love motorcycle racing. Speeding over 120 km/h, but afraid of death?

But, it has changed now. Life, death, is in God’s hand. As a human, we’ll never know what His plans are. It doesn’t mean that I’m not afraid anymore. But when it’s my time to leave, I’m ready when “The Big Boss” calls me.

Before I die, I wanna do some stuff. And here are the lists:

See smile from my mom and dad everyday.
See my sister delivering her babies.
Take my “Bude” to holly land.
Meet DBM and TJG’s twinnies.
Ride ATV.
Buy ontel bike.
Get my Gibson back.
Bungee jumping.
Rafting and mountaineering.
Stop smoking.
Street racing again.
Know all my exes are OK.
Go to Tintin museum in Brussels.
Go to South Africa and Brazil with Big Fella.
Propose KI to be my wedded wife? Hihihihi… (YOU WISH MATE???!!!)

WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?

2008-06-30T20:13:00.000+07:00

Before I die, I wanna do some stuff. And here are the lists:

· See smile from my mom and dad everyday.

· See my sister delivering her babies.

· Take my “Bude” to holly land.

· Meet DBM and TJG’s twinnies.

· Ride ATV.

· Buy ontel bike.

· Get my Gibson back.

· Bungee jumping.

· Rafting and mountaineering.

· Stop smoking.

· Street racing again.

· Know all my exes are OK.

· Go to Tintin museum in Brussels.

· Go to South Africa and Brazil with Big Fella.

· Propose KI to be my wedded wife? Hihihihi… (YOU WISH MATE???!!!)

WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?

2008-05-07T23:05:00.000+07:00

The sea’s only gifts are harsh blows, and occasionally the chance to feel strong. Now I don’t know much about the sea, but I do know that’s the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong, but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once, to find yourself at least once in the most ancient human conditions, facing blind, deaf stone alone, with nothing to help you but your hands and your own head.

2008-05-07T23:03:00.000+07:00

My ride into home is a long one, and one would think it would get monotonous. I’ve developed a keen sense of sight and sound before, during and after this long trip.

2008-05-05T00:28:00.005+07:00

It seems like forever since I updated my blog. Amazing how time can fly by. Really, truly amazing that life can just simply whizz past and when you look back, you realize that you have just somehow forgotten some of the important things that make you smile and that make others smile. Or cry, depends on how you view this blog. I must say though it is nice to be back. And I'll make sure that my stories continue because one thing for sure, the embarrasing moments don't look likely to end!

2008-02-10T18:24:00.000+07:00

Today is one of the perfect days to over damp loneliness. Hilarious as never

I just won a ticket to a state of boredom, with a lot of infatuations buckle up, sad fact, true that. Killing sensations that last like newly poured sun rising in that shiny thin transparent jar-like glass. Nothing extraordinary, well this is more less an extraordinary obscurant, much preferable, rather than sobbing over ridiculous nightmare (God, next time send me a better script okay) which involved a mad cutesy bride of plucky and a Godfather ended up dead and wasted all over—a flock buster scenario, puff lease. Could something else worse be much more igniting?

I’m fed up. I’m tired of getting hurt. And I’m tired of getting tired. I'll keep our up and down memories in my heart. But it’s time for me to move on.

2008-01-26T20:43:00.000+07:00

Aku terbiasa berbincang berlama – lama denganmu. Di bawah sinar mentari, rembulan, turunnya hujan dan sinar lampu. Tertawa, terpesona. Lalu kita berciuman. Di atas tempat tidur di dalam sebuah kamar, terkadang kita saling menatap, sesudah makan pagi, selepas makan siang dan sebelum tidur.

Pada seorang teman aku bercerita tentangmu. Aku hanya ingin punya seseorang yang kucintai, yang aku bisa bersamanya, bergandengan tangan, berpelukan, berciuman siang dan malam dan bercerita.

Di tempat tidur itu, tempat kita berciuman, kamu menatapku…ooohh…aku suka sekali. Kita berbincang tentang apa saja dan tiba – tiba kita berciuman.

Tetapi…

Kini kita tidak bisa bergandengan tangan lagi, berciuman siang dan malam dan bercerita. Kini kita hanya bisa berbisik – bisik, berbicara dalam hati, bersedih tanpa menangis dan bergembira tanpa tertawa.

2008-01-26T20:40:00.000+07:00

Di ujung Desember engkau tersenyum, seperti tangis yang tertahan, seperti sedih yang membuncah. Dan akupun tersungkur dalam ingatan atas semua yang pernah hadir dalam hidupku. Atas kamu yang mencintaiku, atas luka yang kita bagi bersama, atas tawa di siang hari, atas tangis di tengah malam, atas aku yang bercerita tentang semua yang menghubungkan kita. Dari semuanya, ternyata engkau masih bertanya dimanakah cinta. Lihatlah aku, resapi aku. Dan semuanya terdengar seperti kata “sedih”, “bingung” terkadang disisipi kata “bahagia”, terkadang dihampiri kata “penyesalan”.

Semua lalu mulai tertawa. Supir – supir angkutan, pengemis di jalanan, bapak – bapak pulang kerja, ibu – ibu arisan, lampu merah, jalan raya, bunga- bunga, seekor anjing, dua ekor ikan, tiga tangkai mawar, semua tertawa. Bapak – bapak dan ikan pada suara satu, supir angkutan dan tiga tangkai mawar pada suara dua, pengemis dan bunga – bunga pada suara tiga. Yang lainnya tertawa dengan masing – masing caranya. Seperti merdu tapi kacau, seperti indah tapi menusuk hati.

Aku hanya diam tidak bicara. Aku setuju tapi ingin pergi saja. Aku takut, aku gelisah, aku sedih, aku marah. Tapi aku masih cinta kamu.

2007-12-29T23:55:00.000+07:00

Being in love doesn’t guarantee that one would be an expert when it comes to relationship. I guess the only thing we can master is the art of knowing when to hang on and when to let go.

As in this case of me. Time indeed was my best friend. Despite some little argument, the fights are not lingering. We’re civil, sometimes even friendly. There will be times when the laughter reminds me of the way we were once in relationship- CAREFREE AND HAPPY. But that’s not to say I’ve forgotten all the bad things that happened. Once you find it in your heart to forgive, the bad things just become a faded memory.

A friend was right in saying “as we grow up, we learn the one that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it’s hard. But you’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You’ll fight with your best friend. You’ll blame a new love for things an old one did. Time is passing too fast and eventually you’ll lose someone you love. So take many pictures, laugh much and love like you’ve never been hurt because every 60 seconds you spend upset a minute of happiness you’ll never get back. There are times when even the best of us having trouble with commitment and we maybe surprise at the commitment we are willing to let slip out of grasp. We may surprise ourselves by the commitment we’re willing to make. True commitments take efforts and sacrifice which is why we have to choose our commitment very careful.”

Failed relationship isn’t guarantee you’ll never be affected again. Having your heart broken by someone you love is never an easy thing. But once you learn to cope with the hurt, the pain never stays long.

My heart still bleeds but the sadness doesn’t flow as much like before. I’m sure I’m able to survive.

Things are not really okay yet, but I’m healing. So how do I keep the music playing? I decide to fall in love with life. I should fall in love with life. I’m in love with the life I have and everything that is part of my existence.

I don’t regret for what went wrong with my relationship as long as my love life is concerned. It was thrilling while it lasted. I read somewhere, “love is emotion and romance is an evocative expression. I need and want love, but our constant craving is for romance. If love is a dance, romance is tango.”

The beautiful music has ended. It’s just an instrumental melody. So if friends ask me about whatever happened, I’ll tell them “we’re friends now. Best friend.”

So, while the songs still bring that certain glow, I should carry on. I guess it’s just one of those phases in life. It can be sweet at one point and it can be bitter at another point. Bitter doesn’t always taste bad. There’s a pleasant sort of bitterness like bittersweet chocolate. Like me, there are days when I crave for Colletto and Haagen Dasz ice creams. But too many sweets give me toothache. Hahahaha…

Folks, this is my dark chocolate phase, and I’ll enjoy every single second of it.

I REMEMBER YOU. ALWAYS

2007-12-29T23:45:00.000+07:00

This post isn't written by me. I just quote it.

"Kamu kudoakan, kamu kuikhlaskan. I bid thee farewell, my friend. May you find what you seek, may you remember me well, and may you treasure the memories we’ve had."

2007-12-29T23:35:00.000+07:00

No way November will see our goodbye

When it comes to December it's obvious why

No one wants to be alone

And come January I'm frozen inside

Making new resolutions a hundred times

2007-12-08T23:41:00.000+07:00

I try to stop believing in love. Then, I somewhat try to believe in the same thing called love. So many times till I ended up in bruises and still calling myself as happy. Love supposed to be a happy thing. Yet, it never was.

I don't know if I still want to believe in love, ever again. Love comes and goes. When one stays, it always sing the wrong tunes. Awkward. And I've had enough singing awkward rhymes in my life.

I'm a bad songwriter, yet, I've always tried to make one beautiful perfect song, full length. But my songs are always left undone.

No one would fit into me. And guess what, one could never change. ME.

Let all this feeling evaporates
For words are somewhat unforgiving
I might lose my heartbeat

I'm tired of trying to prove that I have love
Let it shine without me
From this moment on

Convince me if I'm worth of it. If you can't, I'm sorry, LOVE, I'm letting you go

2007-12-08T22:43:00.000+07:00

Waktu itu. Ketika waktu itu ada. Aku tidak tahu kalau kamu ada. Entah kenapa secara perlahan2, aku baru menyadari bahwa kamu itu ada di sudut ruang itu. Tapi entah kenapa pula aku tidak terganggu dengan keberadaanmu.

Ketika kemudian mulai kurasakan duka karena kamu tidak ada. Mungkin aku mulai panik dan tidak bersedia untuk merasakan itu. Namun satu yang pasti, terlalu banyak hal yang menyangkut dirimu...

Aku terluka ketika kamu terluka. Aku pun berduka ketika wajahmu tak bercahaya.
Dan entah sampai kapan pila hal itu akan tetap ada, walaupun rasanya tidak harus begitu.

P.S:
Telah kubuka pintu hatiku sebesar2nya. Tapi ternyata itu tidak cukup.

2007-08-22T20:21:00.000+07:00

This is what happened if you forget to feed your T-rex. Hahahaha......

No...no...no...

This is the compensation of an unemployment and when you miss someone close to death.

Before...

5 Minutes later...

P.S : Chi...thank you for the picture

LITTLE BIRTHDAY NOTE (FINAL EPISODE)

2007-08-07T19:52:00.000+07:00

August 5, 2007. 11.02 A. M

Finally, the day is officially over.

I'm not as happy as 24 hours ago and that's not important anymore. Dreams can never become reality. But that's not the point. I shiuld be grateful for whatever I have now, not just for whatever I want. Birthday is not happiness parameter though it's a special day for me.

Maybe I'm not as happy as yesterday, because today [which is not my birthday anymore] I dont use it for reflection. Or maybe because of perfection I want doesn't exist.

Ahh... I'm so lame. Why don't I realize that I have friends who love me? Other maybe don't have as great as them. I also can gather with my family, other maybe don't have complete family. My disappointment is nothing compare to them

Shit... I'm not happy because of my self. Hahahahahahahahaaa.......All I can do now is just laughing on my stupidity.

Anyway... why does this laugh make me happy?

Okay... That's a wrap folks for this episode of my LITTLE BIRTDAY NOTE

keep your head and hope up...

LITTLE BIRTHDAY NOTE (EPISODE III)

2007-08-04T15:43:00.000+07:00

Nothing could make me happy that night other than 00.00 hours. But that two-become-one moment didn't have to celebrate with trumpets, horns and fire crackers like countdown on New Years Eve. By seeing that 00.00 hours already make me happy though my heart beat twice faster.

[and there I was. Sitting on my bed with hanging thoughts to the unknown future. I saw the clock no more. I paid attention nowhere. I just smiled because I finally reached the time. And I just smiled...]

On the 1st minute, I wished thanks to the almighty for everything, for everything I couldn't pay Him back. I asked for forgiveness for every sins I made [hey...I'm just human after all]. Asked for everything that no other human being alive could provide, till no more words could come.

[then I smiled. Again...]

Buzz....
Something was buzzing. Yay...my cell phone. Yep... cell phone suddenly became the next-interesting-thing that night. Hmm, I wonder. Who is the first person that sent me birthday wishes? DB. And that was him. He is my best friend though we didn't see each other well because he lives in Indiana now. He's always the like that; being the first in my last-and-this-year birthday. Thanks dude...

And other texts came, intercepted with one call. HEGI. She is my ex girl friend. She was born a day after me. It was even more special with the presence of her voice wishing me good luck and bringing late night stories.

These eyes were finally tired. And I should obey them to fall asleep. Looked like they didn't want to get into euphoria. Hmmm... I agree. Because the day had just begun for two hours

LITTLE BIRTHDAY NOTE (EPISODE II)

2007-08-04T15:41:00.000+07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

LITTLE BIRTHDAY NOTE (EPISODE I)

2007-08-04T15:21:00.000+07:00

D - 1
I always wait for this day every year. Maybe it also happened to some people. Or maybe not. There's a different sensation when the day come. I can't define that feeling, but I enjoy it.

That's why I wait until 00.00 hours. Remembering what has happened, laughing at joy and fools I made, speechless on sadness and amazing events. Puff... c'est la vie. I wont be able to replace those up and down things. No matter how hard I try.

5...
4...
3...
2...
1...
Tic...

2007-08-01T20:02:00.000+07:00

It's a new month... I don't know why, but I really love this month. It's not because of my birth month, but because it's our independence day.

Hello Augie

2007-07-27T22:14:00.000+07:00

11 years ago, on this date, July, 27, 1996, there was a riot in Jakarta between 2 big political party. FYI at that time there were only 3 political party in this country.

It happened at 8 o'clock in the morning. The bad part was I get caught by cops during the riot with I don't know around hundreds of others. Shit, I don't know anything about political stuff. I was just the wrong man at the wrong time. I skipped school just to go round around the city and get caught. For the 1st time in my life I was taken to prison. It was underground prison. I didn't even know where the fuck is the exact location.

2007-07-25T19:24:00.000+07:00

I dreamt about some of my ex these couple of days. I dunno why. In this occation I would like to say some words for them.
- Sarah Eva Tongam Riama, 1st GF, 1st kiss. May God take good care of your soul.
- Hegi Ramadhanti, we were born only a day apart. I'm sorry for not being serious with you. It is also dedicated to Adriana Aprilia
- Estika Widya Kemala, GROW UP!!!, you're not a little girl anymore
- Viola Syafarina, I don't have any regret breaking up with you
- Ovia Zahra Nst, I'm dead serious. Unfornutaley you pick someone else. That's OK.

I wish you all the best. Have a nice life.

2007-07-14T14:32:00.001+07:00

Self actualization : sweat, blood and tears

ID...Valid ID?

Lit the cigarettes

Wherever you are, whatever you do, whenever you wanna come
There is a HOME waiting for you

2007-07-14T13:59:00.000+07:00

Aku telah berbohong selama ini. Sebenarnya aku adalah orang yang sangat posesif, karena tubuh dan jiwa ini telah lelah selalu ditinggal.

2007-07-14T09:24:00.000+07:00

Mei, Juni....dan sekarang Juli.

Aku seonggok daging yang berjalan terhuyung di bulan ini. Aku hanya sekumpulan tulang belulang renta yang tergopoh mencari pegangan. Aku mempunyai sepasang bola mata yang tidak melihat dan segaris senyum getir namun tetap ceria.

Lari. Dan terus aku berlari dari kenyataan yang sudah aku perkirakan. Dan aku kembali lagi kepada ketakutan yang dulu pernah menghampirku.

Sekarang aku berhenti merasakan sesuatu. Ini bukan hanya tentang itu. Tapi semuanya. Karena saat ini, semua sedang tidak pada tempat semestinya.

2007-07-14T09:07:00.000+07:00

If she could hear my heartbeat when she's near
Beduk takbir? gak ada apa-apanya
Metallica's drum? kalah kenceng

Unfortunately,
A little too fast, but way too long
I'm lost...I don't even know where the fuck I am now
Though I'm not sure where I belong

2007-07-14T09:04:00.000+07:00

I lost my GLOW

2007-07-14T08:34:00.000+07:00

I don't wanna push you.
Take your time.
Take a deeper look.
When you're ready and already trust me,

ring my front door bell.

2007-07-14T08:22:00.001+07:00

Gifts and words are nothing. It's only just a little....LIIIIIIIIITTTTTLLLE things.

2007-07-02T22:47:00.000+07:00

Mommy, daddy :

HAPPY 28th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
HOPE YOU'LL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER UNTIL DEATH DO YOU APART

2007-06-24T15:57:00.000+07:00

We are all individuals...We are all unique in some manner... We are all different in our own special way...And we should cherish that...We should cherish the fact that what makes us unique is the very thing that makes us who we are...

We should understand that everything about us is what makes us an individual. We can try to change and we can try to transform...That's just the process of maturing and becoming your own individual...We should feel special for being something that everyone isn’t. We should acknowledge that the things we don't think of as important or we think are stupid in a person is the exact thing that makes the person we hate an individual...

I despise it when people say I'm weird. I hate the fact when they mock me or they don't want to understand me. It’s their right if they don't want to make my acquaintance...But they have no right to say that I am not me. They talk about me like they know me when they don’t. They have no right to question me...To say I'm weird or strange or stuff... They should acknowledge that it what defines my individuality...

I don't want to judge people. I respect your life. I don’t want to intervene or dictate you on how you should act. One should not be controlled by others and let them control the definition of that individual

2007-06-20T18:32:00.000+07:00

I need motivation. I need to finish my assignments. This is what happens when the office doesn’t need you anymore. And I feel jaded. I don't know, it just happens each weekend. Just wish to spend the weekend with my beloved. How I yearn to have a morning breakfast with her.

I can imagine the fried rice with egg plus a cup of tea. Then spend the day lying down in bed, chitchatting with her. That moment make me happy because my beloved is with me and ready to talk to me and comfort me while we are having lunch and dinner.

I just wanted to write something positive and to remind myself that no matter the situation you are in, you can learn both from your achievements and your tribulations. It's good to look at the positive side of things and also the negative side of things. Why? Because people who focus on the positives are over optimistic and they never try to improve their negativity. People who focus on the negatives are over pessimistic and they never realize the achievements they've done.

Pekat yang Sepi Di tengah Malam

2007-06-18T18:25:00.000+07:00

Ia mengganti pencerahan itu dengan pekat yang sepi di tengah malam. Menelantarkan kerinduan yang sangat, tanpa pesan... Membenamkan matahari di malam hariku tanpa kesan... Dan membiarkan pergi dengan tanya yang bertubi

Hanya ada pekat yang sepi ditengah malam..Sepanjang jalan memikirkan dia... Tak terasa asa lepas perlahan.. Biarkan lepas... Karena ini begitu membelenggu..

Pencerahan itu tenggelam dipekat yang sepi di tengah malam... Tapi kenapa masih hadir di mimpi ku semalam? Ketika akhirnya ku tertidur karena lelah menggerutui kamu..??

2007-06-13T20:43:00.000+07:00

You just don't see me at all, do you? While I am actually standing here right before your eyes. You don't want to see me, or perhaps you just can't. You don't even ask me, you don't even give me the chance to speak up. I feel badly treated; you have badly treated me and my rights to defend myself. You just closed your eyes and you choose to just follow him, and you left me all behind, you abandoned me, you agreed to shut me out altogether, and I was there standing alone with my stretched eyes and opened mouth, screaming curses and wrath out of my confused mind.

You shut me out, you left me out alone and you replaced me with another figure all in a glance. It was as if I was hallucinating, like everything was an illusion ever since the beginning and I actually thought you all were my next true family, and I realized it was a dream, a true nightmare, and now I have finally woken up and I am motionless in this numb sobriety.

I feel badly treated and I feel hurt too much to even breathe and have all your dark shadows flash around in my sickening mind, and I can not believe how I have always thought of you as one of the best things that ever happened in my jaded life. You were like a small bottle of perfume called "LOVE" that I always wholeheartedly sprayed on my skin. Being with you always felt like breathing a small bag of fresh air to me, something that I can hardly get in my own world, behind these golden bars. I could taste the scent of vague love when I was with you, even if it was vague, I could still feel the sensation, the sensation which brought me peace. I thought I had found my sanctuary until this came and hit me and the next thing I had to face was the fact that everything had been shut down on purpose.

I never could understand everything beneath that twisted sorrowful soul's mind. Her own wrath upon me, I never could understand, I wish she would explain to me, yet it no longer matters now, does it? She always knows how to stab me right through my weakling heart. While all I know, the real problem is only between me and her, but she had to make this into a real drama.

Nothing really matters anymore now for you have showed me nothing else but nothingness. I am now drowning in my own devastated state of mind, I am no longer yours and I will never be one of you all ever again, you have finally showed your true figures, and how weird it is to know, that I can finally see all your vivid figures clearer than ever before, when you decided to give up and leave me..

So, tell me, how would you feel, if you were me? Tell me. How would you FUCKING feel?

I have told you mine.

Yet, a bittersweet ending must always be sealed with a token of gratitude, no matter how painful it might be.

Thank you. Thank you for everything that you are not.

P. S: Felicidad... Good luck with the new one...

MENTAL FATIGUE

2007-06-12T18:21:00.000+07:00

Ini lebih melelahkan dari patah hati. Lebih mengerikan dari apapun yang dibayangkan. Dan lebih menyedihkan dari ribuan galon air mata. Pekerjaan rumah yang dahsyat. Seperti malam yang tak berujung pagi. Gelisah menanti hidup dalam kehidupan yang mati. Mungkinkah akan bernafas lagi setelah balutan sekap memaksaku untuk mati suri?

Sulit sekali membuka logika ketika gila sudah merayap.

Keluarkan aku dari sini!!!

Ternyata helaian nafas tak mengantarku kemana-mana. Aku tetap disini terpaku pada gelap yang luar biasa pekat, pengap. Dekap hitam terlalu dekat.

Di tengah jalan pulang kulihat malaikat mencari sayapnya yang patah. Ia seharusnya membawaku serta. Membawaku pulang.

I should learn from a dog

2007-06-12T17:20:00.000+07:00

I should just MUTE myself forever, I guess. I should learn from a dog, so called man's best friend. I should learn how to be loyal to my master from a dog. A dog won't care about other people but his master. Yes, I should learn from a damn fucking dog. I should be a dog. Ha. Ha.

2007-06-04T18:06:00.000+07:00

I don’t get it.

How can a smart person like you put on a price tag to yourself and tell me that you’re cheap? Is it because you’re promiscuous or something? Don’t give me the reply. Reply it to yourself.

It’s hurt you know. Every time you tell me that. And the worst part is I don’t know how to help you. I’m speechless. YOU, the one who told me to be confident; but you’re not confident at all. How can anyone pay respect on you; if you can pay respect to yourself?

Look, you’re worth tons of love. Because you are the brightest star that stay constantly while other stars move around. I don’t know if I already give much love as much as you give to me.

You’re bored to hear this. But for whatever you do, wherever you wanna go; I’m right behind you.

I LOVE YOU MY NORTHERN STAR.

2007-05-31T19:28:00.000+07:00

What is romance? I see guys hanging out with girls and the romance doesn't seem to be there. Even if you've been going out for years, recently started dating, or have been married for a long time, there's no reason not to be romantic.

A relationship is not just about love and sex, it's about being romantic. Because I know that women sometimes no matter how long they've been with a partner, yearn for romance. It's just that sometimes guys are just too dumb to ever be romantic.

So, what is romantic? Is it an expensive dinner overlooking beautiful scenery accompanied by violin players and presenting your woman with a gift? JezuzChrist, if romance was like that; all the guys in the world would be flat broke by now. Sure, women would love to be treated like princes in Breakfast at Tiffany's or Bridget Jones but they also know what's possible and what's not.

Can somebody tell me?

I wish

2007-05-31T19:26:00.000+07:00

I wish I could take your hand and let you grab my heart from my chest so you could tell from the heartbeat, if my feeling was real. Then you could smack it, squeeze it, abuse it and you could still tell, if it was still beating, if my feeling was still strong, for you.

..And I know I can not live without a strong heartbeat.

2007-05-29T18:08:00.000+07:00

Remember how you're eating in your comfortable home or in a nice cafe or restaurant and realize that at that very moment one of your brothers or sisters are out there on the streets hungry because they haven't eaten for an entire day. How hard is it for you to just go eat at a warteg or invite a couple to eat a warteg.

You act as if living without your mobile phone for a day is the end of the world, well remind yourself of the brothers and sisters who don't even know what a mobile phone or never even touched a mobile phone. Think of how easy it is for us to use computers, well remember everyone else who doesn't know how to use a computer. Sit on your warm comfy couch and watch DVDs and stuff, drink and eat your junk food, well remember your brothers and sisters who are sleeping on a piece of tikar beneath a bridge without a blanket.

If we look at ourselves and our lives then you'll see that the little things in our lives we take for granted mean so much for the less fortunate. Just remember the next time you go to CITOS to hang out with all your friends. You keep fighting with your friends whether to eat at SCORE or eat Nando's, well remember your brothers and sisters just outside of Citos who don't even know if they'll get anything to eat, who keep peering into a warteg but can't buy anything because the money they have in their pockets can't buy them anything substantial for dinner.

Just look at the things we do than we can appreciate what we have and how our hard work has paid off. Appreciate the education your family has given you and what you have attained. Stop living the life of a metropolitan high class lifestyle. Live that lifestyle but cut down on the excess. How hard is it not to go out every weekend? How hard is it to eat normal warteg like food so you know how your brothers and sisters feel.

How bout just changing our lifestyle a bit and saving it up to help others. Giving no matter how small. Now imagine if everyone, no if 100 people in Jakarta had that idea of giving someone food. 10 bungkusan multiplied by 100 people would mean 1000 bungkusan, we just fed 1000 people.

I know there are more than 100 people who care but just think if we all did the small things and how much it would add up if we did do all those small things and changing our lifestyle. Just think about it…Think if those 100 people did it every week for every month for every year. Think how many people they would feed. What if each day you do something, if you accumulate it and everyone else is doing it, imagine how much you can give in a year just by changing our lifestyles to give a light to others...

2007-05-29T17:56:00.000+07:00

Picture is taken from http://hning.deviantart.com The actual event is almost the same as seen in this picture

I traveled around Jakarta with my bike last Saturday night. On one junction, I saw a little girl begging for small amount of Rupiahs. 5 minutes later, a friend text me to join him in one of café in south Jakarta. When I got there, suddenly I felt like what a way of wasting money. It’s crazy world we’re living in. When that little girl need small amount of cash to eat; I should spend thousand or maybe hundred thousand just to hang out with my friends.

2007-05-21T18:46:00.000+07:00

Tuhan…...

Terima kasih telah Kau datangkan padaku sosok yang indah ini

Dia...

Mengisi hati yang kosong karena cinta

Memadamkan bara di hati yang panas karena cinta

Mencairkan hati yang beku karena karena cinta

Dia adalah...

Sosok yang indah

Sosok yang kuat

Sosok yang tegar

Aku merindunya

Aku menyanginya

Aku mencintanya

Aku ingin memilikinya

Dan...

Kuingin dia merinduku

Kuingin dia menyayangiku

Kungin dia mencintaku

2007-05-21T18:23:00.000+07:00

Jakarta, Medan, Embassy, Tebet, Wijaya, Monas, Oh La La, Starbucks, burger Blenger, De John’s, Burger Grill, warung padang senen, Cathedral, Immanuel, Qatar Embassy, Kafe Regal, KFC, Mc Donald’s, Tiptop, JPC, Hypermart, Carrefour, Dimsum, Sun plaza, Sun 21, J.Co, Gramedia, Dunkin Donuts, Lokananta, IKJ, Darwis Photography School, Harikota, Antares, Retro, Yopie Salon, Merdeka Square, Marlboro, A-Mild, Dji Sam Soe, San Miguel, Carlsberg, Heineken, Tequila, HAW, ice cream, Tiger 2000, SLR Nikon D40, books, movies, runaway ring, polo shirt no.3, angkot no. 43, taxi, becak motor, Tiesto, pop corn, mineral water, Teh Botol, coffee, chocolate, nasi uduk, roti cane kare kambing, martabak mesir, new sun glasses, bad hair cut, KS, SMS, 10 minutes call,

How can I not love you?

Because these are all resumed in one word: L O V E

I miss you and I LOVE YOU

Acehnese R, shuuush, secara?, Email, power point, Sony Vaio, friendster, deviantart, facebook, blogging, YM, General, Hning, Muscle man, Movie man, our lovely Big Guy, Nongki, Fina, Umar, Syahid, Erhan, Chiara, Dimas, Ovi, Lulu, crazy foreigner, new years eve, the L-word, Metallica, Bon Jovi, Cops, KITAS, farting, flirting, burping, story telling, singing, dancing, smiling, laughing, motoriding, traveling, crazy drinking pattern, hanging around, happiness, sadness, joy, tears, broke up, broken heart, longing, kissing, hugging, slapping, hurting, taking pictures, falling in love, gorgeous eyes,

2007-05-21T17:57:00.000+07:00

I hate my hometown, Jakarta. I’m stuck with daily routines. I need to take a break and get out of this boring city.

Finally I have the chance for vacation. I went to Medan for 5 days last week. It’s not the destination that make me happy. YOU. Yeah, be able to see you again are the important issue here. Though we didn’t go anywhere that much, but that’s fine with me. The main point is I could spend these 5 days with you.

Blabbered days and night, rode on becak motor, jealous girl friend, dirty dancing, and rode on angkot with nowhere to go made me happy and ready to start my new week.

One thing keep bothering me is you were crying again. That made me sad. And you know what; I’m too softhearted for tearful eyes, honest laugh and gentle minds. Now you know why I also cry huh?

Please forgive me if phrase “you don’t deserve me” make you cry. I want you, I LOVE YOU, but the fact is I can’t have you, you know the reason.

For whatever you do and wherever you go, at least you know you have me as your cheerleader. You have me to share your stories and you have me as your shoulder to cry on.

2007-05-12T15:10:00.001+07:00

(Ayah and his little tiger)

Ayah

This guy is a giant of giants. Being raise in poverty, made him become strong person to face this life. He’s very strict father. That’s what make me can’t stand with his rules. I always against him when we’re arguing on something. We live in the same house, but there was a time when we weren’t talk to each other for I don’t know, maybe six or seven years.

What I admire from him is he never thinks money as his life priority. “Money is just a thing, but not everything” that’s what he said. Though he doesn’t have full bags of money, he’s happy. Never live under pressure.

In spite of differences we have, I just want you to know that I love you so much Ayah

2007-05-12T15:09:00.001+07:00

(Mama and me, her bad boy)

Mama

She decided to work at home as long as she could see her children grow up properly. She’s my shoulder to cry on. I can tell her whatever I have in mind. She’s an open minded woman, trying to fiddle with herself to her children. Sometimes I let her down by doing some crazy stuff which I regret it now.

I know I’ve been a yank. But that doesn’t change what I feel for you. I love you mommy

2007-05-12T15:03:00.000+07:00

Today is a special day for my parents. They’re celebrating their birthdays. Yes, it’s their birthday, not their wedding anniversary. They were born on the same date, May, 12th. My dad turns 55 and my mom turns 53. It’s funny, isn’t it? I wonder how they felt when they still lovers.

Happy birthday Mama. Happy birthday Ayah.
No party,
No birthday cake,
No candle blows,
Just prayer from your beloved son.

“I wish you guys, a perfect health, gift from up above until death do you apart.” Amen.

2007-05-08T17:53:00.000+07:00

I’m working on my abs and build my 6 packs again. To gain it, I should have my diet. Gosh…it’s hard. But I wanna work on my diet program again. I’ve been doing a lot of yoyo diets, which I hate so much. The motivation, that's it. It keeps going on and off and on and off, hehehhehe... Well, gotta start making a commitment with myself. I wanna live much healthier and I just wanna be more focused and a lot happier than now. And I just need to force myself to keep having those positive thoughts about everything. I won't have bad thoughts towards other people, whoever they are, uh-uh, and I just gotta stop it. Is it gonna kill the criticism or the sarcasm I have? hehehehhehe, of course not. I may be planning to be a better and healthier person in both mind and body, but I also still need to be aware of all the good and bad things that might happen all the way, coz things just sort of happen, things happen just like how they want to.

I also gotta stop being an almost-professional procrastinator. But I just can't let it keep going and turn into this evil thing that can transform into the most dangerous form: LAZINESS. It’s a dissertation that I’m dealing with over here. Halloo? Can I just yell it to brain in my head?? hehehhe.. Man, do I sound desperate or what? but I really need to get this over with, A.S.A.P, for the sake of my life, so I can continue working again, so I can go to see the world, so I can make my family happy, so I can celebrate it together with my beloved friends if I make it.. If... Oh my God, do I doubt myself now? hehehehee..

Never sweat the small stuff ever again. I’m gonna set a much higher price for my sweat now, ain't gonna spill it that easy. I’m gonna bury my angst, the anger, the hatred-to-be, the sadness... I’m gonna bury it twelve feet under. I have to learn to forgive and forget. Yes, I won't stick to that tagline ever again, "forgiven but not forgotten"... No, it's only gonna create a time bomb inside me. I just need to forget. I need to repent, to have my own kinda way of redemption; I need to create this powerful cleanser formula for myself, to get rid of those evil aura, invisible debris and dirt all over me.

2007-05-07T18:15:00.000+07:00

Hari kemarin.
Kamu tak bisa mengubah apa pun yang telah terjadi. Kamu tak bisa menarik perkataan yang telah terucapkan. Kamu tak mungkin lagi menghapus kesalahan;
dan mengulangi kegembiraan yang kamu rasakan kemarin. Biarkan hari kemarin lewat; lepaskan saja...

Hari esok.
Hingga mentari esok hari terbit, kamu tidak tahu apa yang akan terjadi. Kamu tak bisa melakukan apa-apa esok hari. Kamu tak mungkin sedih atau ceria di esok hari. Esok hari belum tiba; biarkan saja...

Hari ini.
Pintu masa lalu telah tertutup; Pintu masa depan pun belum tiba. Pusatkan saja diri kamu untuk hari ini. Kamu dapat mengerjakan lebih banyak hal hari ini bila kamu mampu memaafkan hari kemarin dan melepaskan ketakutan akan esok hari. Hiduplah hari ini. Karena, masa lalu dan masa depan hanyalah permainan pikiran yang rumit. Hiduplah apa adanya. Karena yang ada hanyalah hari ini; hari ini yang abadi.

Cintailah seseorang sepenuh hati hari ini, karena mungkin besok cerita sudah berganti. Ingatlah bahwa kamu menunjukkan penghargaan pada orang lain bukan karena siapa mereka, tetapi karena siapakah dirimu sendiri.

Jadi, jangan biarkan masa lalu mengekangmu atau masa depan membuatmu bingung, lakukan yang terbaik HARI INI dan lakukan SEKARANG juga!!!!!

2007-05-07T18:12:00.000+07:00

And what makes me happier last night was my mid night call with MSG. We talked for more than 3 hours. I had so much fun and it sure healed the longing I and MSG were having at the first place. Though it’s not enough but I’m happy. I’m happy to know that we still have good topics to talk about every time we talk, not at all serious or cheapish with useless pointless topics and we talk something malicious. I don't even know why I feel so excited about it, it's just I haven't had that kind of conversation for a while with her. Everything seems to just flow. Yeah, it flows. And I’m following it to wherever it goes. And I just had another great thing to learn out of this.

2007-05-07T18:09:00.000+07:00

I felt so happy last night. I chatted with Ovi again after a while, since we broke up 3 months ago. It was only 20 minutes chat. And we got into this small argument, you know, ex lover syndromes. But it was fun. And then I went to her page and saw her journal. She wrote about me. She said that I’m a cold guy, as cold as iceberg and doesn’t care to surroundings, I’m not sensitive. Well…whatever

One thing I don’t like about our last night chat was she kept reminding me about our relationship. She asked whether I still love her or not. Hush…why did she ask me that kinda question? I love her. It will never change. But the relationship is over. We’re just friend now, close friend. I should let her go, and the show must go on.

2007-05-01T22:08:00.000+07:00

I know it’s pathetic. It’s really been a while since I revved up things in blog. Well... I’ve been too busy, schizophrenic and physically tired and hurt lately that I keep on forgetting who I really am. Seriously.

Let me pour it all out- I am disappointed in MYSELF. So serious that I cannot even bear thinking of how stupid I am to fail. I am seriously thinking of quitting jobs... I know it's dumb to say that and that yes I know bunch of people wont mind to take my place. So sue me.

Call me a drama queen. I may look all carefree and cheery on the outside... but didn't you notice what counts are inside that....?

2007-04-09T17:46:00.000+07:00

when : Sunday, April 8th 2007, 1852hrs

why : freak accident, sliced ring finger (right)

cause : unknown (YES, UNKNOWN)

result : blood loss, torn nerves and tissue

outcome : three stitches

future : how the fuck would I know

2007-04-05T19:02:00.000+07:00

I was feeling all emotional today. Some shitty crap happened at work, causing my rising anger to be completely power-pressed against extra patience I grabbed from my hidden inventory. Ridiculous and highly unreasonable criticism and accusation that evil threw at my face. I felt like poofing the most powerful and evilest spell ever made to destroy his slithery tongue while he was talking all like shit, (at least I did it on my mind).

I was all tongue-tied, surrendering for pride, trying to forgive and forget, yet it didn't get any better till the last blabbering session. Another bearded freak was playing all muted and blind on purpose. I was trying so hard not to get carried away and explode a C4 upon his beard. I ignored yet the surrounding noticed. They could read my obvious mind, telling me not to think about that goatee so much, that I was doing all OK, and such thing that could burst my salty pride less tears at anytime for he was being totally disrespectful. Maybe he was just having a bad day, oh yes, let it be that way, or else I'd tie and force him to open his eyes and watch me just like when Alex de Large was forced to watch some violent movies by those mad scientists in Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange (not that I'm saying I'm violent).

Somehow, I kept being reminded that it is definitely fine to try to make other people like you, but then again, you can't make all of them do such, some people just have different mindsets and the hardest thing to swallow and digest is the fact that I have to agree on that.

Thank God I have my other half to listen and help me get through these sleazy glitches of the day. She soon replaced it all with such big relieving news that brought my sincere curvy smile back all the way. “I LOVE U”.

I'm now begging my eyes to do the usual rituals as the closing, resting in bare comfort, playing dead until tomorrow.

2007-04-03T17:21:00.000+07:00

I'm in blue, caught by flu. I need hug by you.....Where are you dear?

2007-03-30T20:53:00.000+07:00

These past few days have been really weird. Sleepless nights, literally sickening body, jumbled thoughts in mind, anxiety, fast-looping hard heartbeats, no sadness, no boredom. I just feel somehow, awkwardly, peaceful. With numbness as the icing.

How lovely......

2007-03-24T19:35:00.000+07:00

On Saturday nite, I’m gonna set my mobile to silent mode, and put it inside the drawer. I’ll close the door and place the "do not disturb" sign. Then I’ll play the quiet music and get dazed. I will fall asleep after that.

2007-03-24T19:29:00.000+07:00

We sat side by side on the porch, accompanied with hot tea and martabak. She looked intently at me and vomited all things that bothering her mind. "Go ahead!!! Vomit it all. So you can let it loose. All I could do is listening". I got glimpse she really want to end the pain.

She said that it’s thorny to make decision. But decision has to be made, because it’s also distress me to live in soreness. She cried her entire heart out and it was like a virus that infected me. That’s fine. If you couldn’t take the pain, I’ll take it.

The whole enigma finally revealed. It’s obvious now. We don’t have anything disturbing our mind again. She’ll fly away and spread her wings to horizon.

And I’m lucid with the fact; you’re not there for me anymore. It’s rigid for me because I’m deeply in love with you with all my mind, body and soul. Well…life must go on and I don’t have to live under dark cloud all of my life.

She’s only a friend now who was once lover. But still she means a lot for me. She taught me love and be loved. There is a place for you irreplaceably inside my heart.

I wish you GOOD LUCK, my life light. May all the illumination shine your life.

I love you.

2007-03-24T13:16:00.001+07:00

As I look around me, I see each one of us carrying their own crosses to bear. I see struggle in every person, making life worthwhile and making it work at the same time.

Happiness and sadness abound us all the time but still we are here on our toes waking up each day with a brand new hope. We may draw our strength from different sources but one thing is common, we are strong because of it.

Life is one big fat bully, but come to think of it, we account almost every incident of our lives to fate, thus we cling to fatality. We may never know where we are really leading to but I guess what matters are that we have faith, and I guess we'll always have it.

And hang on; someday; somehow everything will turn out to be where it should be.

Smile everyone, life sucks but beautiful.

2007-03-23T21:03:00.000+07:00

I’ve been too preoccupied with my personal and professional affairs that I have neglected to even glance at the computer monitor. Oh how I hate this week! Too toxic. Too many stuff going on... and I’m tired of it all!

I end up thinking of quitting... EVERYTHING.

But I am so not going to. I mean I have lots of plans for my life. I want a decent job with a decent paycheck. And more! I mean how can I get all of these... and more... if I quit?

I have decided to pursue that goal; I guess it's now or never. Definitely this will boost my performance in my career- not immediately of course.

I feel like I’ve been blown to bits, and I don't know where all they go.

Pressures are underway... just this week I have my hearing court in front of BOD. Arrrrggggh! God, did You forsake me? I hate it. I feel giddy with it. I haven't done this before.

My colleague's getting on my nerves. His tempers on the shallow side that if I just curse him even under my breath... He ends up almost hitting me! Hell, my boss didn't conceive me just to be hit by my colleague! How I think of ways to torture that irreparable soul.

And can I just tell you about the scare I had today? My friend was food poisoned. What the hell!? I was racking my head off because he vomited a couple of times. And he was like half a world away!!! And I hate how that feels.

I have this sudden inkling that I might be insane. But then I remember and say: "oh, yeah, I am."

2007-03-21T21:20:00.000+07:00

I got depressed all of a sudden. I just read over someone's blog and it hit me - moved on is so right.

I don't have any business with the person anymore... we parted ways before I can even say "nice to see you again". It just wasn't right... And I hate to have it slapped into my face.

So what else is new?

Oh, yeah, I had my hearing court this afternoon... and it sucks! My brain's shut off... I hate how I feel so stupid. I didn’t even say my counter arguments at all. It’ll continue again tomorrow. Anyway... I’ve been so stressed, moody and nostalgic these past weeks. I feel incompetent. And I’ll be deferring my application to an org... I just can't handle it right now. And the stuff we have been talking about... well, we just think that way. I just can't spit it out.

I have nothing to say at all. Am I that obvious!?

HOMELAND

2007-03-15T17:48:00.000+07:00

Well... I'm trapped here... In the land called Earth. I need to go home. To my unlimited horizon where Twilight is surround me with its Red Golden Sky. I need to find my way home, because I've lost my wings to fly.

Here I am. Wondering and trying to catch signals from up above and create my own imagination about my homeland.

Welcome to my homeland......

2007-03-15T14:47:00.000+07:00

Aku terjebak di pinggir trotoar berdebu... Langkah kaki berlalu lalang di depan mataku. Seperti hendak membunuhku dengan pijakannya. apa mereka buta? Sorot lampu menyilaukan dari mobil yang berdereet rapat. Mataku enggan berkedip. Waspada, takut salah satu kaki dari raksasa manusia akan menginjak, ditendang lalu terlindas mobil. Tamatlah riwayatku...!!

Tatapan mereka semua sama... JIJIK!!! Melihat makhluk buruk seperti aku. Apakah aku begitu buruk???

Aku tetap terpekur waspada di pinggir trotoar berdebu. Sinar lampu mobil tetap menyorot bergantian... Tanpa henti!!!

Entah apa ada yang menyadari keberadaanku atau tidak. Aku tidak terlalu penting. Aku takut. Jiwaku terancam. Setiap saat aku bisa mati dan tak ada yang peduli. Bahkan ketika tubuh matiku rata dengan aspal karena tergilas, manusia tetap memandangku... JIJIK!!!

Aku si kodok yang menyedihkan. Terjebak diantara euphoria para manusia yang mengagungkan hari ini...

Kadang aku selalu berharap, Akulah pangeran tampan yang dikutuk. Aahhh.... entah berapa banyak kodok yang berharap demikian. Dan entah perempuan mana yang sudi menciumku agar kutukan ini berakhir.

Danau yang tenang dengan bunga teratai yang sedang mekar, di bawah kaki gunung, di sanalah harusnya aku berada...Dan semua itu bukan lagi sebuah kutukan.

2007-03-09T16:19:00.000+07:00

And this again. Came without invitation and ruined my mood. I just don't wanna hear anything. I'm in unstable Emotional and Physical disorder. Leave me... leave me alone... I need no one and I don't need anything.

[I only need to get my soul back. I only need me. I only need to be cured...]

[I have this labyrinth inside my head]

Aaaaarrgghh!!! I hate everything right now [hell yeah, I hate all the beauty and perfectness] because that's what we all want to see, to feel, to love and to have as property...

They will answer me... "it's human..." "Human?" C'mon...What are you? What am I? is it important? [What I am is What I am. Are you what you are or what?]

I just wanna kick out this reality out of my destiny...[love will embrace me with pain, sorrow will kiss me to death and regrets will eat me into the bone...]

And it left only me...

[I only need to get my soul back. I only need me. I only need to be cured...]

*written in sober condition.

2007-03-08T18:58:00.000+07:00

Akhir-akhir ini, aku:

Makin tidak jelas

Makin tidak tahu maunya apa

Makin males kemana-mana

Makin males ngapa-ngapain

Makin makin galau kalo ujan

Makin tidak fokus

Makin labil

Makin autis

Makin anti sosial

Makin banyak garis mati

dan makin kangen akan kehadiran dirinya

***

FUUCCCKKK!!!! It's hurt. I woke up late this morning, my face was numb and JezuzChrist my head, ouch...it felt like hit by Mike Tyson... Too much alcohol wont do you any good, ladies and gentlemen.

2007-03-06T21:10:00.000+07:00

Can you just get me out of your mind please...? It's over okay. Thank's.

Pergilah sedih, pergilah resah
Jauhkanlah aku dari segala prasangka
Pergilah gundah, jauhkan resah
Lihat segalanya lebih dekat
Agar aku bisa menilai lebih bijaksana

Nothing is what it seems. When I say I don't know what I'm doing today and yesterday, I really am. Because it is too difficult to find meaning of life [and I only can enjoy life while I still can] before someone come and cut every bond with reasons they've got which lead to possessiveness that will show insecure feeling to them selves.

Everything seems normal. She is still the same person I knew 2 years ago. But I don't realize she's already change into different person. She tries to avoid the past and yeah I don't realize that.

I used to ask my self: is it really true friendship we've been through together? Is it friendship with terms and conditions? Friendship that we have to go through because one day you will feel the chemistry and when that momentum leaves, that feeling is gonna die...

I believe that destiny is far of our control...

And I also used to ask this: what did I do wrong? Ever since I receive your text, something was bothering my mind. No heart feeling. Disappointment only. [No defense]. A person who commit will love you, share time with you, the one who used to say will be there for you, suddenly left you with millions question marks

Well it ain't the first time someone left me. I understand in life someone come and go. This way or another. But I never think it's gonna end up like this. I mean, did I do something wrong?

I try very hard to keep my self not to get even. Because I'm gonna keep it for my self

Everything is so blurry
Everyone is so fake
Everybody is empty
And everything is so messed up

So please...Leave me alone...

2007-03-05T22:02:00.000+07:00

I should have new state of mind to grow some long line on my lips to face life...

***

Shit!!! My transfer to new office was postponed. At least until next month. Fuuuccckkk!!! How come? Why did they do that?

***

JezuzChrist!!! I really hate Monday. I'm so pissed today. 1st day of the week never brought me happiness. Fuck!!! It ruined my schedule, my mood and really wasting my time. The worst part was heavy rain and I forgot to bring my rain coat.

[the point is I really hate Monday]

All I wanna do now is go home, have my tequila, post some bullshit on my blog and go to bed. I'm to tired both EMOTIONALLY and PHYSICALLY.

WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD my self. Is this so real...?

My body is like broken glass. So fragile and will break into million pieces because things happen today and because I saw Java Jazz for two days.

Patience...patience...patience...

Aarrggghhh!!!

***

Speaking of Java Jazz, it was an International Jazz festival. It held in Jakarta from march 2 until march 4, 2007. There were 1300 performers on 15 stages for 3 days. I just wanna see Jamie Cullum and Level 42. But there was a local performers called DESCHANY. They are Ambonese. Maaannn...they are cool...

I watched it with Yana, my ex-girlfriend and some friends. She came with her future husband [crap...*grin*]. After having such a horrible week, seeing her made me happy. She was still the same person I dated 6 years ago.

But I had to sacrifice my monthly budget. Watching 2 concerts within a week cost me a lot. Ahh...I don't care. As long as I can find antidote to cure my broken heart and my longing, it's worthed.

All I have to do now is get extra hours, get weekend jobs. So I can cover my expenditure this month.

Ciao, I wanna go home...

2007-03-04T16:52:00.000+07:00

Sebenarnya aku bisa saja menjadi seperti apa yang kau minta. Dgn sedikit kerja keras, aku bisa melakukan itu.

Tapi, bukankah lebih baik kalau kau menerimaku apa adanya?

*****

"Kata orang rasa rindu itu indah..tapi bagiku..itu menyiksa.."

*****

.."Terkadang ada saat-saat dalam hidup ketika engkau merindukan seseorang begitu dalam, hingga engkau ingin mengambilnya dari angan-anganmu, lalu memeluknya erat-erat...”

*****

Cinta dan sekotak coklat...rasanya sama2 enak...karena ketika aku makan coklat rasanya damaiii banget, full satisfaction....dan sekotak gak pernah cukup untukku...

Cinta dan nafsu...hmmm bedanya tipiiiis bgt...sama-sama bikin pusing tapi sulit dielakan hahahahahaa...Cinta dan Benci juga hampir sama rasanya...sama-sama bikin kepalaku pusing! Cinta dan sepi tetep aja mirip2x...karena cuma hati yg ngerasain...Blah!

Cinta dan sakit perut...juga ngga beda jauh rasanya..kadang cinta mengakibatkan MULES akut berkepanjangan...dan baru ketauan ujung2nya ketika kamu membutuhkan Broklat atau ngga....karena ternyata kamu sembelit...(???)

Mungkin ini Cinta ketika sekotak coklat ngga pernah cukup buat kamu...ketika ada Nafsu yang bikin kamu pusing tapi berharap dan rasa benci karena sepi...yang mengakibatkan kamu mules berkepanjangan ....

N Ya ini Cinta namanya ketika kamu sadar "membutuhkannya" lebih dari BROKLAT yang bisa nyembuhin sembelit kamu itu! Karena ternyata kamu mengidap jatuh cinta krosniss....

2007-03-02T21:30:00.000+07:00

Few days ago during my boring routines, one text came:” you take care your self for me okay!!! I miss you”. It made me blush. Because you are the first one who taught me how to love.

And I do understand time is mysterious labor that works in silence and slowly, but could give a lot of evidence among all things. Time has its own soul. Right timing and Perfect timing without any doubt. Just like us now who doesn’t even want to know each other again. Because the time said:
"The time is just not there anymore. It's away off."

***

It was just ordinary morning. I was riding my bike. And I talked to my self “I’m gonna have another boring day. Home, office, and home again”. I looked at the street from behind my helmet and thought Jakarta is still the same. I might be looked the same. But deep down inside, I was hurt.

It took me awhile to think and realize why you have to change. I mean, there is nothing static and have the same intensity in this world. They are always dynamic. They have to change. But why do you have to erase the past? What were you thinking, avoiding and ignoring? Someone who mentions love won't be erased by time and other temporary artificial stuff?

Come to think of it, I should recall my memory back. Were u really ever there? Were you an opportunist? I don’t know. But there’s a possibility. And I still can't stop my self from thinking: or maybe, it was me who wasn't good enough?

I’m afraid of losing you
Rather than not having you
It’s a game of life
Riddle that make me drunk in the silence of dawn

***

You know what...
Actually I’m a lover
But, I’m afraid to love
So afraid;
Because someday I’ll be face to the world who will slap me with reality
That someday you’ll be leaving and take away love
Everything is gonna end up miserable and disappointing

***

You did it again

you did hurt my heart

I don't know how many times

you... I don't know what to say

You've made me so desperately in love

and now you let me down

You said you'd never lie again

You said this time would be so right

But then I found you were lying there by his side

2007-02-24T20:29:00.000+07:00

Brain stalled and malfunctions.

It didn’t work in proper place.

2 of my friends, MSG and baby C got really pissed on me because of my attitude.

MSG oh MSG. [You know how much I miss you darling]. She knew that I had problems with my lover. But I didn’t know she had problems of her own. After moved to Aceh, she found out things didn’t work as planned. She felt lonely and the office was gonna closed. Still I threw all my problems to her.

Meanwhile, I planned to watch concert with baby C last night. And she didn’t like my attitude at all. She shouted at me loudly and clearly she hated me last night. She pointed my head and said “your brain is here not on your butt. So use it. We’re gonna have fun tonight”.

My sister used to say when emotion beats logic, you are gonna get no benefits at all. And she is right.

I know I’ve been a jerk for the last two days. In this occasion, to MSG and baby C, “from the bottom of my heart, I do say I’m sorry. Sincerely.”

2007-02-23T16:55:00.000+07:00

I’ve been dating principessa, my lover for 2 years. And darling, it’s long enough to figure out who you really are. You give me everything I need. Love, respect, honor, tender heart, acceptance and freedom. That’s all I ever need from a lover. And I do get it from you. I don’t need wealth and material stuffs, because they will change me from the person I am right now.

But, it’s over now. We broke up last night after we yield to each other on the phone. You have chosen your own way. That’s okay. I’m cool with that. I don’t wanna be the barrier beyond your happiness. There is nothing I have to fight for. If I have to stay in one way relationship where there is no more chemistry between us, it’s better for me withdrawal my self from it.

What I’m not cool with is your questions. “Are you gonna be okay? Are you pissed? Are you disappointed? “. C’mon girl…what kind of bullshit is that? What do you think I’m? Teen? I’m old enough to take care of my self unless you forgot. I will be fine. Since being abandoned, underestimated, dumped and left behind became my nick name, I’m used to it. I can get over it.

[Ah... isn’t it lovely, expressing whatever you have in your brain when you’re so pissed.]

I do believe in the cite if I love something, I will set it free. If it returns to me, it’s mine. And if it doesn’t, it has never meant to be. Maybe you were never meant to be

If you’re gonna find happiness with other, please spare me. Substitute me. I can make sure I won’t be in your way for finding happiness. But don’t ask that cliché questions coz it gives me headache. Enough is enough.

Good bye my lover, you have been the one for me. It’s been a pleasure knowing you and having you as part of my life. May you find your happiness, may you find what you are looking for, may you remember me well and may you kept our memories well.

Ciao...

*****

Pernahkah kau menghitung waktu yang berlalu sejak terakhir kali kita bertemu?
Mungkin surat ini tak akan pernah terkirim. Karena sebenarnya aku hanya ingin berbicara pada diriku sendiri, pada angin malam yang menerpa, pada bunga mawar merah kering yang entah kenapa masih saja menempel di dinding... tentang kamu.

Kamu yang pertama mengajarkan bagaimana memilah jenis rasa. Kamu yang datang dengan mengetuk pintu, lalu pergi meninggalkan haru yang tak juga bisa terkikis waktu. Dasar asu.

Setengah bagian diriku ingin agar membencimu, memakimu hingga muak, bahkan muntah pun rasanya tak cukup untuk menghilangkan penat. Tapi setengah bagian diriku yang lain ingin agar kau datang, dengan sekeranjang bahagia. Menyesali kebodohan mu dan memohon agar menerima kekhilafan mu.

Hatiku mampat disesaki cinta yang terlanjur penuh
Menjadi detak tubuh
Menyatu dengan ruh

Andai hati tidak ikut berevolusi. Andai satu mesin waktu mampu untuk berhenti, stagnan dan berakhir dengan keabadian... aku rela menukar satu detik untuk bersamamu. Tanpa detik yang lain menunggu untuk dilirik setelahnya.

Jadi maafkan aku, bila tiap saat, kupuja engkau penuh kesumat
Seluruh tubuhku terlanjur menyetarakanmu dengan mentari yang harus ada
Atau.... aku tak kan pernah bahagia

the marriage

2007-02-18T21:35:00.000+07:00

Kalau dua-duanya doyan musik, berarti ada gejala bisa langgeng. Kalau sama-sama suka sop buntut berarti masa depan cerah. That simple? I don't think so. Berbeda dengan sepasang sandal yang hanya punya aspek kiri dan kanan, menikah adalah persatuan dua manusia, pria dan wanita. Dari anatomi saja sudah tidak sebangun, apalagi urusan jiwa dan hatinya. Kecocokan, minat dan latar belakang keluarga bukan jaminan segalanya akan lancar. Lalu apa?

MENIKAH adalah proses pendewasaan. Dan untuk memasukinya diperlukan pelaku yang kuat dan berani. Berani menghadapi masalah yang akan terjadi dan punya kekuatan untuk menemukan jalan keluarnya.Kedengarannya sih indah, tapi kenyataannya? Harus ada 'komunikasi dua arah', 'ada kerelaan mendengar kritik', 'ada keikhlasan meminta maaf', 'ada ketulusan melupakan kesalahan, dan keberanian untuk mengemukakan pendapat'.

Sekali lagi MENIKAH bukanlah upacara yang diramaikan gending cinta, bukan rancangan gaun pengantin ala cinderella, apalagi rangkaian mobil undangan yang memacetkan jalan.

MENIKAH adalah berani memutuskan untuk berlabuh, ketika ribuan kapal pesiar yang gemerlap memanggil-manggil.

MENIKAH adalah proses penggabungan dua orang berkepala batu dalam satu ruangan dimana kemesraan, ciuman, dan pelukan yang berkepanjangan hanyalah bunga.Masalahnya bukanlah menikah dengan anak siapa, yang hartanya berapa, bukanlah rangkaian bunga mawar yang jumlahnya ratusan, bukanlah perencanaan berbulan-bulan yang akhirnya membuat keluarga saling tersinggung, apalagi kegemaran minum kopi yang sama.

MENIKAH adalah proses pengenalan diri sendiri maupun pasangan anda. Tanpa mengenali diri sendiri, bagaimana anda bisa memahami orang lain? Tanpa bisa memperhatikan diri sendiri, bagaimana anda bisa memperhatikan pasangan hidup?

MENIKAH sangat membutuhkan keberanian tingkat tinggi, toleransi sedalam samudra, serta jiwa besar untuk 'menerima' dan 'memaafkan'. Kesalahan terbesar kita dalam memilih pasangan adalah kita lebih mementingkan dengan siapa kita menikah bukan seperti apa orang yang akan kita nikahi. Kita lebih melihat dari fisik orang tersebut bukan kualitas orang tersebut.

2007-02-14T20:15:00.000+07:00

dear people,

it's not a habit for me to say this, but what the heck.. HAPPY VALENTINE! hey, who says it can only last one day, when you can have a whole week even a whole month or a whole year to fill your life with lots of love.. so, may love blossoms every day.. and for all of you who are still single.. don't give up guys, keep on struggling hehehe..

cheers!

2007-02-11T19:05:00.000+07:00

Waiting!!! It’s the most boring thing to do in this f#*king world. I used to be late and let people wait for me. Not only for 5 or 10 minutes. I can be late for 1 hour. Suddenly the world turns 180 degrees. We’ve been together for awhile, but you have to fly away from me for 5 months.

Maybe it’s a good thing for both of us. It’s a new life experience for you. And for me, it gives me new lesson about managing my longing.

It’s okay for 5 or 10 minutes or even for 1 hour. But 5 months? Come on… give me a break. I can’t help it. I MISS YOU. Yeah… it’s you. You and our night chat is the missing link. I miss it a lot. What should I do to cure my longing? Pictures and text messages are not enough to cure it… THEY ARE NOT ENOUGH…

2007-02-08T18:33:00.000+07:00

Today is a big day for my cousin. She is getting married. I’m happy for you cous. Congrats!! But one thing keeps bugging my mind. Almost all the relatives ask me classic and stupid question: “when are you going to get married? Isn’t it the right time for you?” Crap… Well folks, how do you know it is the right time for me?

One of my friends asks me: almost all of your friends are married now. How do you feel? Off course I’m happy for them. But I won’t make a decision on getting married by that kind of situation; because I will make a very EMOTIONAL decision.

That is very stupid question to ask. If I can make 1001 wishes, maybe getting married will be No. 1002. Okay in my defends let me tell you why I haven’t think about getting married: 1. I haven’t found the right one. 2. I don’t wanna distracted by marriage problems. And 3. Living single is much easier than getting married. Can you guys realize that? I’m a type of person who wants to live in my own freedom without any distraction.

Stay single is not against the law or a sin.

*****

MSG

Speaking of living single, I’m happy because now I have one more cheerleader behind me. Her name is MSG. I’ve known her maybe six years ago when we saw some collaboration of Indonesian and European dance. And met again the next day while she lost her wallet. We never see each other again because she has to go back to Jeddah. [She used to lives there].

We met again about nine months ago, but had a chance to hang out together last November, when she asked me to accompany her to one of Jakarta’s night clubs and became her personal bodyguard.

MSG is also beautiful, independent and matured girl. She said that she is photogenic girl but not bodygenic. Ha…ha… but you were attracted to guys though including me. Sometimes we also try some dangerous things together. Hahahahaha…

She teaches me some stuff that I don’t know or want to explore and we can spend maybe day and night discussing all kind of things. I really enjoy being in her presence. It’s been a while since I have girl friend to chat without any obligation to take her home ASAP.

With her, I feel more comfortable on discussing about marriage because she used to lives in marriage-obsessed societies [or still?]. And it gives her pain in the you know… It was a very open and vulgar discussion among us. It kept my eyes wide open and convinced me with my decision to stay single.

But, she keeps reminding me if I hang around her too long because she might mess me up. “Don’t worry Beautiful…I love to hang around with you. I know we can’t cross the border. There is a bunch of people wont mind to kill us if we do that.” And I realize maybe our friendship will last forever rather than lovers. Even if I love you and wish you could be my lover.

*****

I used to have the coolest abs on earth. Six f#@kin packs. It took 800 sit ups/day and 6 months to build it.

But ever since I twisted my knees and stop working out, it has change. I gain about 10 kilos and now it becomes a very round abs.
Actually I don’t mind with my abs now. But MSG asks me a favor to build it again. She wants me to pose naked for her. Certainly I say yes. Posing naked will be a new extreme experience for me. I never have done that before.

There is one thing torturing me. I’ve to diet. No sugar, salt and oil. Shit…since eating becomes my middle name, it really gives me a headache. But to explore another extreme experience, I don’t mind doing it again.

2007-02-04T16:07:00.000+07:00

ANGELS SMILE

Today the angels smile.
They sat with me awhile.
I shared my inner heart
And that was just the start.

I told them of my love
These angels from above..
I told them how I felt
As in their company I knelt.

The angels did delight
With a smile so warm and bright
When I told of feelings true
Which I held inside for you.

They said that God above
Can create a lot more love,
When the world is full of care
Like the feelings we do share.

So my heart is filled with pride
And a joy I cannot hide,
I could walk that extra mile...
Because I made the angels smile

2007-02-03T23:44:00.000+07:00

Music background: U2.
I haven’t shave for a week
It’s cold here in my room. I’m tired but I couldn’t sleep.

These stories are going to be boring, but what the hell,

God the Almighty does not give me good looking and plenty of wealth. But thank to God for putting me in a place where beautiful girls are around me, even though they aren’t lovers. *grin*. But there is something bothering my mind: some guys always feel jealous whenever I’m around the girls. I dunno why.

Fresh from the oven, happened in New Years Eve. I kissed one of the girls. Unfortunately, I kissed her right in his face. Off course he was pissed. He tried to stay cool. But there were a big disappointment and anger. Yeah ladies and gentlemen, he was pissed off. He tried to settle it down and talked to her.

Later I discovered, he has a crush on her. His dream is having independent, open minded woman. He has it now. But he is not ready for this girl independence and liberty. Man, maybe you were never meant to be for her or for that type of girl.

Now, maybe this guy doesn’t feel comfortable with my existence, and I don’t care. Actually I don’t want to mess with people’s business. But if you have to put me in the middle of shit, I have to defend my self. ”Hey dude, I’m just her friend. Why do you have to worry bout me?” And little note for you. “it’s millennium. Gak usah banyak basa basi. STRAIGHT TO THE POINT.”

*****

ANGGI

He is handsome lil fella and has a cute smile, according to some of my friends. He is also unique because he is left-handed. But one thing I admire from him is he keeps pursuing his dream to become a movie director. Movie director? Isn’t it a common occupation? Yeah. But not in this case.

Being raise in Saudi society means you have to follow strict Islam rules (Anggi is mix between Saudi and Indonesia). And movie making is prohibited there. But he believes that someday he will be a good movie director.

I asked him once about the first movie that Saudi Arabia produced. He didn’t know that there was already a Saudi Arabian director who produced a movie. But he replied, “it’s okay not becoming the first Saudi movie director. But I will be the greatest.”

Woww… what an answer from a young man… he is very confident. With that confidence, I’m sure it’s just a matter of time. Go get your dream and good luck, Spielberg.

*****

ARIO

I’ve known this guy for ages. It was like love at the first sight. He instantly liked me because of that “fido dido” short I wear. He loved to hang around with me because of the way I think, talk and because of my social skill. On the other hand, I also loved to interact with him because of his knowledge, life experiences and the way he sees things. Always from the other side. He is way older than me. He supposes to be my uncle, not my friend. He would miss me every time I haven’t send text or call him for even just a week. And what make me love him is he never judges me.

[Hey… is there anybody out there who has willing not to judge me?]

He is my life teacher. He always gives me words and options if I’m in deep shit so I can make up my mind properly and wisely. But he never says it like from the elder to a youth. He is trying to be there for me for better or for worst. Every time I talk to him is worth than reading books. That’s why I always call him walking library. But he reminds me “maybe I know a lot, but there are a lot more I don’t know. I am still learning also”. Gosh, he is humble, for a man who knows much about everything. He isn’t embarrassed to learn including to me.

All I can say is thank you. I don’t have any words I can use to show my gratefulness for knowing you. You don’t know how much you influence my life.

Now he is busy with his project. I hope you can finish it right on time. Good luck my big fat Lao Tze.

*****

"the safest place in my life is behind my big blanket. no lights, no shadows just darkness upon me..I close my eyes, I sleep and then eventually I will smile..".