Friday, March 30, 2007
Saturday, March 24, 2007
We sat side by side on the porch, accompanied with hot tea and martabak. She looked intently at me and vomited all things that bothering her mind. "Go ahead!!! Vomit it all. So you can let it loose. All I could do is listening". I got glimpse she really want to end the pain.
She said that it’s thorny to make decision. But decision has to be made, because it’s also distress me to live in soreness. She cried her entire heart out and it was like a virus that infected me. That’s fine. If you couldn’t take the pain, I’ll take it.
The whole enigma finally revealed. It’s obvious now. We don’t have anything disturbing our mind again. She’ll fly away and spread her wings to horizon.
And I’m lucid with the fact; you’re not there for me anymore. It’s rigid for me because I’m deeply in love with you with all my mind, body and soul. Well…life must go on and I don’t have to live under dark cloud all of my life.
She’s only a friend now who was once lover. But still she means a lot for me. She taught me love and be loved. There is a place for you irreplaceably inside my heart.
I wish you GOOD LUCK, my life light. May all the illumination shine your life.
I love you.
As I look around me, I see each one of us carrying their own crosses to bear. I see struggle in every person, making life worthwhile and making it work at the same time.
Happiness and sadness abound us all the time but still we are here on our toes waking up each day with a brand new hope. We may draw our strength from different sources but one thing is common, we are strong because of it.
Life is one big fat bully, but come to think of it, we account almost every incident of our lives to fate, thus we cling to fatality. We may never know where we are really leading to but I guess what matters are that we have faith, and I guess we'll always have it.
And hang on; someday; somehow everything will turn out to be where it should be.
Smile everyone, life sucks but beautiful.
Friday, March 23, 2007
I’ve been too preoccupied with my personal and professional affairs that I have neglected to even glance at the computer monitor. Oh how I hate this week! Too toxic. Too many stuff going on... and I’m tired of it all!
I end up thinking of quitting... EVERYTHING.
But I am so not going to. I mean I have lots of plans for my life. I want a decent job with a decent paycheck. And more! I mean how can I get all of these... and more... if I quit?
I have decided to pursue that goal; I guess it's now or never. Definitely this will boost my performance in my career- not immediately of course.
I feel like I’ve been blown to bits, and I don't know where all they go.
Pressures are underway... just this week I have my hearing court in front of BOD. Arrrrggggh! God, did You forsake me? I hate it. I feel giddy with it. I haven't done this before.
My colleague's getting on my nerves. His tempers on the shallow side that if I just curse him even under my breath... He ends up almost hitting me! Hell, my boss didn't conceive me just to be hit by my colleague! How I think of ways to torture that irreparable soul.
And can I just tell you about the scare I had today? My friend was food poisoned. What the hell!? I was racking my head off because he vomited a couple of times. And he was like half a world away!!! And I hate how that feels.
I have this sudden inkling that I might be insane. But then I remember and say: "oh, yeah, I am."
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
I don't have any business with the person anymore... we parted ways before I can even say "nice to see you again". It just wasn't right... And I hate to have it slapped into my face.
So what else is new?
Oh, yeah, I had my hearing court this afternoon... and it sucks! My brain's shut off... I hate how I feel so stupid. I didn’t even say my counter arguments at all. It’ll continue again tomorrow. Anyway... I’ve been so stressed, moody and nostalgic these past weeks. I feel incompetent. And I’ll be deferring my application to an org... I just can't handle it right now. And the stuff we have been talking about... well, we just think that way. I just can't spit it out.
I have nothing to say at all. Am I that obvious!?
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Here I am. Wondering and trying to catch signals from up above and create my own imagination about my homeland.
Welcome to my homeland......
Tatapan mereka semua sama... JIJIK!!! Melihat makhluk buruk seperti aku. Apakah aku begitu buruk???
Aku tetap terpekur waspada di pinggir trotoar berdebu. Sinar lampu mobil tetap menyorot bergantian... Tanpa henti!!!
Entah apa ada yang menyadari keberadaanku atau tidak. Aku tidak terlalu penting. Aku takut. Jiwaku terancam. Setiap saat aku bisa mati dan tak ada yang peduli. Bahkan ketika tubuh matiku rata dengan aspal karena tergilas, manusia tetap memandangku... JIJIK!!!
Aku si kodok yang menyedihkan. Terjebak diantara euphoria para manusia yang mengagungkan hari ini...
Kadang aku selalu berharap, Akulah pangeran tampan yang dikutuk. Aahhh.... entah berapa banyak kodok yang berharap demikian. Dan entah perempuan mana yang sudi menciumku agar kutukan ini berakhir.
Danau yang tenang dengan bunga teratai yang sedang mekar, di bawah kaki gunung, di sanalah harusnya aku berada...Dan semua itu bukan lagi sebuah kutukan.
Friday, March 9, 2007
[I only need to get my soul back. I only need me. I only need to be cured...]
[I have this labyrinth inside my head]
Aaaaarrgghh!!! I hate everything right now [hell yeah, I hate all the beauty and perfectness] because that's what we all want to see, to feel, to love and to have as property...
They will answer me... "it's human..." "Human?" C'mon...What are you? What am I? is it important? [What I am is What I am. Are you what you are or what?]
I just wanna kick out this reality out of my destiny...[love will embrace me with pain, sorrow will kiss me to death and regrets will eat me into the bone...]
And it left only me...
[I only need to get my soul back. I only need me. I only need to be cured...]
*written in sober condition.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Makin tidak jelas
Makin tidak tahu maunya apa
Makin males kemana-mana
Makin males ngapa-ngapain
Makin makin galau kalo ujan
Makin tidak fokus
Makin anti sosial
Makin banyak garis mati
dan makin kangen akan kehadiran dirinya
FUUCCCKKK!!!! It's hurt. I woke up late this morning, my face was numb and JezuzChrist my head, ouch...it felt like hit by Mike Tyson... Too much alcohol wont do you any good, ladies and gentlemen.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Pergilah sedih, pergilah resah
Jauhkanlah aku dari segala prasangka
Pergilah gundah, jauhkan resah
Lihat segalanya lebih dekat
Agar aku bisa menilai lebih bijaksana
Nothing is what it seems. When I say I don't know what I'm doing today and yesterday, I really am. Because it is too difficult to find meaning of life [and I only can enjoy life while I still can] before someone come and cut every bond with reasons they've got which lead to possessiveness that will show insecure feeling to them selves.
Everything seems normal. She is still the same person I knew 2 years ago. But I don't realize she's already change into different person. She tries to avoid the past and yeah I don't realize that.
I used to ask my self: is it really true friendship we've been through together? Is it friendship with terms and conditions? Friendship that we have to go through because one day you will feel the chemistry and when that momentum leaves, that feeling is gonna die...
I believe that destiny is far of our control...
And I also used to ask this: what did I do wrong? Ever since I receive your text, something was bothering my mind. No heart feeling. Disappointment only. [No defense]. A person who commit will love you, share time with you, the one who used to say will be there for you, suddenly left you with millions question marks
Well it ain't the first time someone left me. I understand in life someone come and go. This way or another. But I never think it's gonna end up like this. I mean, did I do something wrong?
I try very hard to keep my self not to get even. Because I'm gonna keep it for my self
Everything is so blurry
Everyone is so fake
Everybody is empty
And everything is so messed up
So please...Leave me alone...
Monday, March 5, 2007
All I have to do now is get extra hours, get weekend jobs. So I can cover my expenditure this month.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Cinta dan nafsu...hmmm bedanya tipiiiis bgt...sama-sama bikin pusing tapi sulit dielakan hahahahahaa...Cinta dan Benci juga hampir sama rasanya...sama-sama bikin kepalaku pusing! Cinta dan sepi tetep aja mirip2x...karena cuma hati yg ngerasain...Blah!
Cinta dan sakit perut...juga ngga beda jauh rasanya..kadang cinta mengakibatkan MULES akut berkepanjangan...dan baru ketauan ujung2nya ketika kamu membutuhkan Broklat atau ngga....karena ternyata kamu sembelit...(???)
Mungkin ini Cinta ketika sekotak coklat ngga pernah cukup buat kamu...ketika ada Nafsu yang bikin kamu pusing tapi berharap dan rasa benci karena sepi...yang mengakibatkan kamu mules berkepanjangan ....
N Ya ini Cinta namanya ketika kamu sadar "membutuhkannya" lebih dari BROKLAT yang bisa nyembuhin sembelit kamu itu! Karena ternyata kamu mengidap jatuh cinta krosniss....
Friday, March 2, 2007
"The time is just not there anymore. It's away off."
It was just ordinary morning. I was riding my bike. And I talked to my self “I’m gonna have another boring day. Home, office, and home again”. I looked at the street from behind my helmet and thought Jakarta is still the same. I might be looked the same. But deep down inside, I was hurt.
Come to think of it, I should recall my memory back. Were u really ever there? Were you an opportunist? I don’t know. But there’s a possibility. And I still can't stop my self from thinking: or maybe, it was me who wasn't good enough?
Rather than not having you
It’s a game of life
Riddle that make me drunk in the silence of dawn
Actually I’m a lover
But, I’m afraid to love
Because someday I’ll be face to the world who will slap me with reality
That someday you’ll be leaving and take away love
Everything is gonna end up miserable and disappointing
You've made me so desperately in love